Introvert

It’s tough for an introvert surviving in a predominantly extrovert-dominated world. I think several people may actually be closet introverts pretending to be extroverted. When I was younger, I pretty much just let myself be shy and quiet to the point people thought there was something wrong with me. Then as I grew, I learned that in this world, you have to be somewhat outgoing to survive. So I learned to fake it. Don’t get me wrong, things can still get incredibly awkward sometimes, but I can pretend well enough to get by. In fact, when I was in Beijing, I was talking to some friends and I admitted I was a shy, introverted person. One of them said “What? You?! No you’re not!” There you go, never underestimate the power of faking it.

The stereotype of an introvert is that quiet geek in the corner who never talks to anyone. The reality is that introverts are the type of people who can be in social situations, but we need to re-charge afterward. I know I get incredibly exhausted after being around people for a while, and I need some time everyday to just be on my own. Sounds sad, yes? But it’s more like re-charging my batteries. Maybe all the pretending drains the energy out of us. My mum is always telling me I need to go out more, meet more people because “being on your own for too long will make you go crazy!” She’s a hardcore extrovert, so despite trying to explain my side of the story, she never really gets it. In a way, I envy her people power. Everyone who meets her immediately loves her. However, I have gradually learned to accept who I am and to love who I am. We introverts may have to work harder to make our way through this world and to attain our goals, but there is always plenty more going on beneath that silent exterior than most people realise. What are you? An introvert or extrovert? Xx

Introvert

Thinking of my destiny
Thinking of my fears
Figuring out who I’ve become
Turned into all these years

Wondering why it’s warmest
When the sun goes down
And comfort lies in loneliness
When there’s no other sound

The stars at night rain glitter
Into my clouded eyes
I’m not afraid to see it big
But I’m still terrified

Is this who I am tonight?
Or who I’ve always been?
Or the one I’m turning into
Is this all that’s left of me?

I need to hear the smiles
But I’m happy when I hide
The strange things cannot hurt me
When I’m hidden here inside

My heart is open when I’m alone
The world is at my feet
I’m a conqueror of the monsters
That try to triumph me

I wish to share this victory
With everyone around
But every time I try to speak
My voice it can’t be found

So I sit here in a crowded room
And think of reasons why
My loneliness consumes me more
When someone’s by my side.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

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Kiss of Eternity

Kiss of Eternity

They stand before each other
Their thoughts they spin around
A revolution of memories
To which they’re forever bound

He holds onto her hand
And tells her “close your eyes”
Then whispers to her softly
Words that make her cry

The tears fall from an ocean
Her eyelashes sparkle so
She whispers right back at him
“Do you really have to go?”

The answer rests between them
It hangs steadily in the air
He presses his forehead to her
And tells her “don’t despair”

Their bodies come together
Their hands pressed into one
It was never meant to end this way
Their lives had just begun

But the truth remains within her
And she had always known
The moment that they spoke of love
She’d have to let him go

And now that night was upon them
He tells her “don’t be afraid”
She promises to remember
To never let them fade

She tells him that she loves him
Enough to set him free
To save the world without her
To be all he can be

He presses his lips against her
And savours every taste
The way her mouth falls on his
The expression on her face

He kisses her to tell her
All he needn’t prove
To show her inextricably
“My heart belongs to you”

Their kiss is of eternity
And one day she would say
“Never again has anyone
ever kissed me that way”

They part in hopes they’ll meet again
When all has become so clear
When destinies have been fulfilled
And they’d conquered all their fears

“Until then”, she tells him,
“This kiss will have to do
and when you’re flying among the clouds
remember that I loved you

“I fell in love with the boy-next-door
That’s who you’ll always be,
So until we meet again one day
this kiss is for eternity.”

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

My Story

Unfortunately, this is not about my story in the works (though I am nearing finishing the first draft – hallelujah!). This piece is entirely about who I am as a person, and I suspect, also how other writers may feel. At the risk of my parents reading this, all those times I told them I was “studying in my room” during high school, I was actually writing stories or poetry, or recounting my ‘dear diary’ moments in life….gosh, I hope no one ever finds those diaries. I was one of those teenagers who treated her diary like the only friend who could understand her and I was admittedly quite the angsty teen. I don’t know if I’m the only writer/artist who does this, but I actually enjoy lulling myself into a depressive state, particularly if one of my characters is in a bad place. I feel I need to get there too, and once I am, I can pour out everything I’m feeling onto paper. I think if you’re feeling something so strongly, you should use it, and it makes what you’re writing more real.

I think everyone has their own way of dealing with their emotions, but I have always dealt with mine through the written word. I think stories have this incredible power to educate us on the human condition, whether it’s through the written word or film or lyrics of a song or a painting. Often, you read or watch something, and it makes you reflect on your own life. It makes you re-evaluate and sometimes it changes you. Make-believe is the most powerful tool in the universe, because before you even begin to head toward your goals in life, you have an image in your mind of what the result will be, even if it hasn’t happened yet. Plus, you know, it’s fun. Xx

My Story

I see another moment in time
That can be captured in my rhyme
A song, an image in a dream
That once again inspires me

These characters form in my mind
And very soon it seems I find
Another story I must write
Every day and every night

My emotions pour into the words
All the things I’ve ever learnt
I write because I can escape
Into the world that I create

This world where problems can be solved
With the words that it is told
Where fantasy becomes real life
And dreams can reach a whole new height

For words are so beautiful to me
I feel they can capture anything
They teach, they heal, they make you smile
Even if for just awhile

Sometimes the feeling is just so strong
I have to put it in a song
Release the emotion I have inside
Onto the paper which I write

Escape into my fantasy
Where these characters are real to me
Their journey far more interesting
Than the average life I live

But then I must put down my pen
For every story has an end
I’m drawn back to reality
Where life is life just as it seems

I remember what lies ahead of me
I’m scared to death of what it may be
I wish I lived inside a book
No further would I have to look

But life’s an entirely different game
The outcome we can’t always tame
We can write the words but never know
When a change will come and go

I spend my time writing fantasy
Forgetting that the life I lead
Is still here and waiting around
For me to get up off the ground

To face my fear and figure it out
What my life’s story is about
All I hope is I’ll live it well
And finally have my own story to tell.

© Lily K. Lynn

Five

It’s funny how when you’re a kid, you can’t wait to grow up because you think being an adult gives you more freedom to do anything you want. However, growing up means more responsibility, more owning up to your mistakes and while we may have the freedom to do the things we like, our worldviews become tainted by what we think we should be doing, opposed to just following impulsive instincts. Ironically, I think we had more freedom as children. As a young adult, I feel more bound by rules and conventions that hold me back. I feel that the world moves faster and sometimes I’m just a spectator of my own life. We never slow down anymore, we’re not fascinated by the small things that make the world we live in beautiful. It’s just a constant race to get to the top. What happened to dancing in the rain, examining the beauty of an intricate spider’s web, jumping in puddles, the feel of sand covering your bare feet and counting stars in the night sky? What do we live for anymore? It’s nice to be a grown up. It’s nice to make your own choices. But our experiences in this world darken the childhood innocence that was once there, and I think too often we forget the most important things we learn as children. This piece was inspired by one of my younger cousins, who I hope will continue to find fascination in places we have long overlooked. Xx

Five

I sit here silently pondering
Wake up secretly wondering
The answers to all that plagues me
Swallows me whole and becomes me

We’re not born to believe in enough
It’s always a challenge and life is tough
It’s easier to aim high when you are five
It’s so easy then to feel alive

Dreams are still dreams than can’t be crushed
All is seen with your eyes filled with love
You got the world locked safely in your pocket
Your parents with you in your heart locket

Ten years is so faraway when you are five
Still learning when to wait, and when to dive
No need to be great and have something to show
There’s just love, warmth and learning to grow

Everything is beautiful in your eyes
Untainted by those wicked lies
There’s nothing quite like innocence
Like crouching to smell a flower’s scent

Don’t care I’m wearing a princess dress
Because mummy says that I look best
On top of the world is daddy’s shoulders
Not the milestones that come when we’re older

Your laugh can cure the saddest frown
Cookies excite you when you’re feeling down
Dunking them in milk makes your day
Why can’t life always be this way?

If I could have a single wish
It would be just only this
The ability to see through my eyes
The world I saw when I was five.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Fall Out

I’m procrastinating from writing my novel. I was supposed to finish my first draft last week, but then I got hit with writer’s block and I’m only just beginning to get into it again. Oh well, what can ya do? I just have to move past those days where you think your novel is complete drivel no one will ever want to read… but moving on…

We all had our problems in high school. I’m sure even those deemed “popular” had their fair share of issues. You’re going through puberty, you have no idea whatsoever who you are or who you want to be, hormones are flying everywhere, you learn just how bitchy girls can be and consequently how bitchy you can be, you’re constantly trying to stand for something but you’re not sure what…yeah, that’s high school – good times! A couple of years later and I’m still trying to figure out what I stand for. I’m certainly closer now than I was then though, which is comforting. Sometimes I feel like the older we get, the more we know yet the less we know. Weird. Anyway, I was basically invisible in high school. I wasn’t the nerd or the popular kid or the straight-A chick. I was sort of just there – not hated, but not adored. I mostly disliked high school because I felt it didn’t equip us for the “big bad world” that awaited afterward. In retrospect, the things we learnt were interesting, but not helpful because let’s face it, knowing trigonometry is not going to guarantee self-sufficiency.

So while my high school experience was extremely mediocre, I did have my own set of issues to deal with. I have never liked to talk about it because people don’t really understand what I went through. For years, I couldn’t talk about it without wanting to cry. Now, it’s just this horrible phase in my life that I went through. I don’t know why it happened to me, but it took away a lot of my livelihood, and according to my mother, a lot of my confidence which I have not completely regained to this day. I’m not going to go on about it because it’s taken me so long to finally get over it and even be able to post this. The poem pretty much explains it all. To any others who have had to go through this (though it is rare), you’ll know what I’m talking about, and I promise you will have your life back one day. Keep strong.

Don’t let my depressing high school experience deter you from sharing yours though. As always, I’d love to hear your stories. Xx

Fall Out

She sits in class and that’s when it starts
The day her life will fall apart
The first few strands fall to her hand
She simply re-adjusts her own headband

She laughs with her friends, she didn’t know
These were just the first of strands that would go
So she lets it be for the next few days
Imagining the symptoms would just fade

But then it begins to get worse and worse
Her hope eventually starts to disperse
She cries to her mum “something’s wrong”
They never suspected this would come along

She takes a shower and clumps fall out
Held in her hand, there was no doubt
The tears begin to fall from her eyes
Her mother says “it will be all right”

They go to see the doctor this week
Hoping he’ll have the answers they seek
But he tells them that he doesn’t know
And as he does, her heart sinks low

So her mother takes her to someone else
And hopefully they would be able to tell
But nobody they see can tell them why
She tells her mum “I want to die”

The girls at school they point and stare
“Look at that girl who has no hair”
She wears a hat, a scarf on her head
But she can’t forget the words they said

She cries at night and wonders why
Knowing she would rather die
Than be the girl who has no hair
Cursing life ‘cause it’s so unfair

No reason that this happened to her
No sickness, illness, complicated words
The first few strands just began to fall
That day that began the start of all

The years go by and how long they seem
She’s lost all of her identity
Her confidence will never be the same
So she stops searching for something to blame

She accepts what happened for what it was
Knows that it’s time that she moved on
It begins to grow back, everything she lost
But it will never go back to the way it was.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Only Words

I didn’t actually intend to post this one today, but I happen to be in this kind of mood, so here it is. I don’t think some people realise how hurtful the things they say can be to a person, and how long the words stick with them. This is fine, because some people are just built that way – they’re not wired to think too deep over things. They say something, or someone says something to them, they shrug and move on. I wish I was like that, but I’m not. I guess it’s one of my character flaws to be super sensitive (though I argue it can be both a flaw and a blessing). If someone says something that really hurts me, it stays with me for a long time. I’m good at pretending I’m fine, but inside, everything is crumbling.

We all try to do the best we can. There’s always going to be someone smarter, prettier, more business-savvy, more popular, more skinny, more… everything, than us. I’ve always felt my entire life that I never measured up to the standards of people – my parents, my brother, sometimes my friends, and mostly myself. I know that these people love me, but there’s always that feeling that I’m not good enough, and sometimes, people say things that reinforce this belief. I know that I overthink details and I know I sometimes put myself in a melancholy state, but this is who I am, and I think if you care about a person, you accept every part of them. It’s not like I’m not attempting to better myself. I constantly seek improvement, even if it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. I just keeping wondering: when will I finally be enough? For everyone and for myself? Maybe I judge myself too harshly, but it doesn’t help when others are constantly telling you you need to do this and that or you won’t get this and that. Or when you know they’re looking down on you because they have this and that, and they think you don’t have the ability to obtain these things. In a way, it motivates me to go after the things I want even more, so that they’ll regret the day they ever thought so low of me. But sometimes, words still hurt. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words remind me I’m all alone. Xx

Only Words

They all look at her with those eyes
The ones that tend to criticise
How can they make her feel so low?
In this life, she walks alone

They do not hate, but pretend to love
By telling her that life is tough
They crush the dreams she holds inside
And she pretends that she won’t cry

It’s not the words they say to her
They are, after all, just merely words
It’s what they make her feel today
The hope they destroy from yesterday

So then she begins to look around
This world to which she’s inevitably bound
They tell her she can’t be something rare
Life’s that way, life’s never fair

Don’t strive for something you’ll never get
It’ll only bring you more regret
What are the chances you’re unique?
They tell her that she can’t compete

And slowly, she begins to see
Perhaps they’re right with what they mean
Her dreams begin to slip away
Her hope long gone with yesterday

She’s not a child anymore
But her faith can still be torn
Especially when you say to her
All these thoughts disguised as words

So please be careful what you say
The thoughts you have inside you today
They may be what you know and have seen
But they can also destroy a childhood dream.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Unrequited Love

I think we’ve all been there, at one point or another. Obviously, this piece is from a girl’s point-of-view, though I am well aware unrequited love is a disease that plagues males and females alike. It leaves you yearning and depressed and sometimes bed-ridden for several hours a day, just thinking about that one person you will never have. But alas! Your hair tossing and batting eyelashes are all in vain!

I’ve only ever had two crushes in my life (I don’t count walking past hot guys on the street and thinking “I’d like to get on that” *ahem*). One was in the fourth grade and that lasted for a good three years. In retrospect, I should have handled it better instead of spewing out mediocre ‘no one will ever love me’ poetry into my diary, but hey, what else is a ten to twelve year old supposed to do? My second crush came in university. This guy was in my screenwriting class. He had the most amazing grey eyes (they almost seemed to change colour sometimes. Whenever I talked to him, I got so lost in his eyes I completely missed what he was saying) and he was that quiet guy who kind of kept to himself and seemed to enjoy losing himself in words on a page. I actually conjured up some wonderfully eloquent poetry thanks to him. Sadly, nothing ever happened. I’ve always wished I was one of those girls who could put herself out there, but unfortunately not much is more terrifying to me than rejection. I almost worked up the courage to ask him out near the end of semester, but I talked myself out of it, since I was leaving for exchange the following semester. I thought: ‘what’s the point when I’ll be gone for four months anyway?’ I still have fond memories of him though. He was very, very lovely. Xx

 

Unrequited Love

She thinks that she can love him
Enough to make him see
The reflection that stares back at her
The good that she can be

She’s pretty like a flower
Blooming in the spring
Yet no matter how she blooms for him
He won’t ever feel a thing

Her smile is radiant like the sun
She lights up every room
Yet no matter how she shines for him
He won’t ever feel it too

Her heart is like the ocean
Generosity limitless
Yet no matter if she’d die for her friends
She won’t ever be his best

She thinks to herself how perfect she is
For him in every way
Yet no matter how she dreams at night
Those words he’ll never say

She can’t help who she falls for
She can’t ever make him feel
The feelings that she holds inside
To him they’re just not real

Her love is like a single key
Gave away without a cost
Yet no matter if he holds it with him
To her, it’s always lost.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Everything’s Changing

I’ve never really been able to decide whether I’m a person who’s resistant to change or open to it. I think it’s the unknown that frightens me the most, which makes me not want certain things to change, but at the same time, I find change to be exciting as it brings many new adventures and life lessons. As I’ve forced myself to embrace change, I’ve become more open to it. In fact, as I reflect on the past right now, I dare say I’ve gone from somebody who would rather stay in one place, to somebody who can’t stay in one place. Venturing out of my comfort zone terrifies me, but now it also gives me an adrenaline rush, and knowing how I learn from these experiences, I just want to go out and keep doing it. While I was studying in Beijing the first half of this year, a friend and I discussed how we both seemed to move from place to place and never settle down. For me, I think it’s because I keep trying to look for something in all these places but I never seem to find it, so I move on to the next destination, hoping I would find my answers there. The ironic part is I don’t even know what I’m really looking for, and it’s taken me this long to finally realise that searching for yourself elsewhere is counterproductive when you should be looking inward instead. But I’m not going to start getting all spiritual on you (at least not today). The good news is I no longer feel the urge to run away to another destination. For so long, I just felt like I kept running, running, running…. toward what? I have no idea. By no means am I talking down travelling though. I think everyone should do it. You discover so much about yourself it’s kind of crazy. Maybe the running away was good for me after all.

I wrote this poem just after I started first-year university way back in 2007. I’ll tell ya…I was freaking terrified of the change. Excited, since I couldn’t wait to get out of high school, but terrified nonetheless. It seemed like such a big and scary transition at the time, which I now know is nothing compared to other changes you experience in life. As you grow and learn and live, though, you get to know yourself better. When I wrote this, I was still in the “I have no freaking idea who I am” stage. Years later and I’m only just discovering why I might have been put on this earth. I’ve always wished I was one of those genius people who just “knew” their true calling in life since they were a kid. I think I knew it, but I didn’t really acknowledge it till now if that makes any sense.

Anyway, this poem is what I like to refer to as word spew. My word spew poems tend to come out when I have a lot of intense thoughts going on in my head and I’m basically just spewing them onto paper. So it might not be as pretty and organised as other poems. How do you feel about change? Xx

Everything’s Changing

As I sit here stuck between
Reality and dreams
I cannot tell what it is I feel
For nothing is what it seems

I wonder if it is because
I’m just too afraid
Of the challenges ahead of me
Of the past to fade

I wish so much for happiness
For my heart to bloom
To want the things I really want
For them to come so soon

Too caught up in the future
Yet unable to let go of the past
I’m living in a messed up world
So slow, yet so damn fast

Everyone is moving on
And I’m just left behind
I think my life is tragedy
My dreams I cannot find

My friends are growing up so fast
Exploring different worlds
Everything is changing now
Into a frightful swirl

Please stop and just remember me
For I’m still waiting here
Crying for a miracle
To rescue me from my fears

I want to grow up and be strong
Survive in this tough world
Yet inside I feel so small
I still feel like a girl

My feet are running to keep up
It seems they never will
Why is everyone so smart?
And I’m just stuck here still?

Caught between a grown up
And a little girl
I wish for something better
To spin around and swirl

Everything is changing
Everyone is gone
I’m here all alone
Singing my sad song

I hope for someone to rescue me
To sweep me off my feet
I’m beginning to realise reality
Is a different sort of beat

Nobody can rescue me
From what lies ahead
I only have myself
To get through all this dread

To love, to learn, to be complete
Only I can do
To remember I must believe in myself
To believe in others too

And maybe one day I can smile
About the life I lead
I’ll think to myself about it
That this is all I ever dreamed.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

The Single Girl’s Letter of Resignation

So I’m going to be brave and stand up now, and openly declare to you all: my name’s Lily and I’m single. *whew* That was harder than I thought. This is a topic that comes up a lot among discussions with close girlfriends and it has become abundantly clear to me that being a single girl in society is worthy of being shunned. When you reach a certain age, people expect you to be in a relationship (or at least have some boy-toy hanging off your arm you can claim you’re attempting to make a real connection with, despite if he’s convinced he was Zelda in a past life). So when society tells you you’re supposed to be something, and you’re not, you begin asking yourself “gosh, what’s wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me. All my friends have managed to reel in a boyfriend, but I can’t seem to catch even the worst-looking ones. Am I ugly? So unlovable? So awfully unpleasant to be around? Is it my tree-trunk thighs?!” That’s when you start settling. It beats your relatives thinking you’re a lesbian, or destined to turn into an old spinster maid with a house full of cats…meow.

All this got me thinking, quite simply: why? Why are single girls in society made to feel this way about themselves? We can be independent, self-sufficient, have an awesome career, great friends and a very together lifestyle, but if we don’t have a man, we’re labelled as incomplete. This makes me think that perhaps traditional conventions haven’t been entirely eradicated after all. Maybe it’s biological. The twenty-first century woman is very different to what she was decades ago, but this need to be with a man hasn’t changed. Some of us are less likely to admit to it, but it is still inevitably present. I’m not saying it’s bad to have a wonderful boyfriend – love is something we should all get to experience, after all – but my issue lies with single girls being made to feel inadequate without a guy in their life. And this leads to them reeling in any fish from the large sea and settling because it’s better than having no fish at all (excuse the horrible “fish in the sea” metaphor). Why is it we must lower our standards because of this fear of being alone? Why must society label us as outcasts? I think if people could look beyond the “single” label, they would find that several single girls are just as normal as the non-single girls. We don’t bite, really. And not all of us like cats. We’re awesome, we’re loving, we’re happy and like everyone else, we’re always looking for more ways to be the best we can possibly be, whether or not that includes a man in our lives… and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. Xx

The Single Girl’s Letter of Resignation

I handed in my letter of resignation today
From being bound to finding love
I’m tired of everyone telling me
I need someone to make me feel like enough

I hate I’ve been cast as incomplete
Without someone by my side
And I hate that I’ve had to create a mask
To which I must hide behind

My bosses are the conventions around me
That tell me it’s wrong to be alone
A single girl in society
Should never be on her own

The long hours of yearning suit me no more
Trying to convince myself that I’m just fine
The price isn’t worth what I put in
Thinking this overtime

My co-workers pity me with their eyes
That I’ll die an old spinster maid
I’m tired of the talking behind my back
It’s not worth what I get paid

So I’m handing in my resignation
From being bound to finding love
I’m sick of feeling incomplete
I’ve frankly had enough

I’m taking off this stupid mask
That I’ve been hiding behind
I’m freeing myself from conventions
I’m taking back my own damn mind

So here’s my two weeks notice
And watch me as I find myself
Watch me as I learn to shine
Apart from everyone else

Because I’m the single girl
Who’s got nothing to hold her back
I’m awesome and perfect just as I am
So I’m breaking this love contract

I’m handing in my letter of resignation today
From being bound to finding love
I’ve finally learnt after all this time
That I’m more than just enough.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Soulmates

This is a fun, humorous poem I wrote quite some time ago. I think the concept of finding your “soulmate” becomes less and less probable as you get older, and more and more unrealistic. I know that there are girls out there who will, deep down, always hold onto the hope of finding their one true soulmate, and though I still do dream of Prince Charming (I’m a shameless fairytale junkie), for me, my true soulmates in life are the people I can trust and rely on the most. So I’ll keep this post short and simple today, and leave you with this poem that’s just a bit of light-hearted fun. Who are your soulmates in life? Xx

Soulmates

“Do you believe in soulmates?”
Her best friend said to her
She thought about it carefully
That controversial word

“Well,” she said, “when I was five,
my mother said to me:
You’ll have your own Prince Charming one day,
and you’ll both live happily.”

“Then I was ten and liked this boy
He teased me and called me names
Before telling my friend he loved her more
And the teasing was just a game

“Then sixteen came rolling around
I liked boys of different taste
But he dumped me the first time we went out
‘Cause I wouldn’t go to second base

“When I finally turned twenty-one
I thought this must be it
Prince Charming on his motorbike
With his devilish smile and wit

“But he fell in love with another girl
If ‘love’ meant blonder hair
I tossed him to the sidewalk
And pretended I don’t care

“I almost got married at twenty-five
But on our wedding day
He said to me he couldn’t commit
And told me he was gay

“So now I’m turning thirty
And all that’s left of me
Are remnants of some scattered hope
But how futile hope can be”

She turned to her friend and said to her,
“I may never be a wife
There may never be the perfect man
But this friendship is for life

“So my answer is yes, I do believe
That soulmates do exist
It’s you and me, for eternity,
That’s exactly what friendship is.”

© Lily K. Lynn 2011