Midnight

Midnight

The hands of the clock move slowly
And I don’t know why I cry
Not death nor heartbreak parts us
Those things are not our goodbye

I know that I will miss you
I know that we have tonight
Perhaps I cry for what could be
But no, that’s still not right

What could be has happened
There’s no need to turn back time
No need to mourn what could have been
Because you were always mine

But now that you must leave me
I stare at the clock in tears
Weeping not for the loss of it
More for the many years

The years of smiles and laughter
Of being so in love
The memories are priceless
And now, they’re just enough

This final moment spent with you
I decide I will not fight
I’ll lie in your arms without a word
Until the clock strikes midnight.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

The Writer

I’ve always felt a little like the odd one out wherever I go. My social awkwardness can be credited in part, but as I grow up, more and more I realise that my choices tend to be outside of the norm. When I tell people I’m a writer, the first thing they say is: “Cool. So which company are you applying for? I know this really good one…” I always have to correct them and explain I’m giving myself this block of time to write and complete a novel I’m going to send out to publishers. For some reason, choosing a creative field to pursue is something a lot of people can’t relate to. They look at you like you’re committing career suicide. Maybe I am, but since I’ve found my dream and my ultimate purpose in life, I’m not about to just abandon it for a desk job.

My parents think I’m nuts. My mum is always telling me to go out more, meet more people, “get a job, so you won’t be such a hermit!” She doesn’t understand that being alone is part of a writer’s job description. We need that time away from the world to get lost in our own worlds so we can write. I sincerely believe she doesn’t take me seriously, although she claims she does. No one really takes me seriously. They all treat this like an artistic phase I’m going through that will soon pass, and that I’ll eventually cave and get a 9-5 job like everyone else. Only I seem to know that that will never happen. Want to know my greatest nightmare? That. Caving. Why would I trade my dream for my nightmare?

Maybe I do have my head in the clouds sometimes. Maybe I dream too big and it should scare me more. Maybe my hopes for success are mere delusions of grandeur. I don’t care because this is who I am. It took me long enough to get here, I’m not about to just turn my back on it because people think I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I know there will be obstacles and many failures to come, but I have full intention of picking myself up again. I’m just going to keep on going, every which way, until I get what I want. I sincerely believe life is that simple if you’re just willing to invest in your dreams. Don’t be afraid of them and don’t let people put you down. The latter is especially difficult at times, such as now. I’ve felt so put down lately. I have to keep reminding myself who I’m doing this for – me or them? This doesn’t just apply to writing either. Sometimes, I feel like people try to tell you what to do in every aspect of your life, as if they are masters at life or something. I just think everyone is different, everyone is constantly learning, so you should just focus on your own life and stop telling others how to live theirs.

Anyway, this is another “word spew” poem (as if all the word spew ^ up there isn’t enough of an indication! Apologies for the rant!). Thank you for reading, as always. Xx

 

The Writer

I can’t possibly be a normal human being
When my greatest satisfaction
Is being left alone to think, to ponder
To wonder and to delight

I see it in their eyes everyday
I hear it in their subtle words
“She must surely be going crazy
Being alone for so long”

Explaining myself is but wasted time
How could they possibly understand
The things that go on
In a writer’s endless mind?

Between my two ears is a different world
A world where magic exists
Prince Charming isn’t a lie
And I construct perfect imperfections

My dreams tell me I can fly
So when I wake each day
I make it so, in my mind
And with my words

I find words are the closest I can get
To touching another’s soul
To move, to heal, to inspire
These are my greatest goals

“Don’t you need to go out and see?”
It’s what they all ask me
They can’t understand that my inspiration
Comes from within

It comes from a white butterfly I see
An imprint on the footpath
A sudden sensation with the breeze
It comes from complete silence, nothing

I am able to feel and to express
Things I have never felt myself
But things others will feel
When they read my words

So then, is it a blessing or a curse?
To script emotion onto paper
To live in my own mind
Rather than outside of it

I think I might miss out on the world
Because I’m too preoccupied with my own
But I don’t care
My world’s better than what’s become of reality

So they tell me I’m a little crazy
I’m a little strange in my ways
They think I might go insane
Behind this locked door

Thus is the curse of a writer
One must pay the price of insanity
To be born with the ability
Of creating great things out of nothing.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

First Love

First Love

How would I have ever known?
The existence of a universe
So different to all that I’ve learnt
Is somehow found in you

Every breath I take has purpose
Because I breathe for you
Every beat of my heart
Is a call to your name

 They don’t warn how you can fall
So fearlessly, so boldly
Have I ever felt so powerless?
Have I ever felt so invincible?

I wonder when I’ll fly for you
Because you give me angel wings
Your presence takes me high
And my place becomes that of stars

Will you look into my eyes?
Will you whisper my name?
Tell me everything you want to be
And I’ll be it with you

I’ve often wondered
Why love songs are written
And now we dance together
To lyrics of our own

Do you know you’re beautiful?
How I tremble for you so?
Terrified of losing you
Of one day letting go

You kiss my shy lips
And I’m not sure what to say
What is it called – this feeling
When I feel this way?

I’m completely hopeless
When it comes to love
So I hold onto your hand
And dive headfirst

And when that day ever comes
That we might say goodbye
Thank you for showing me
The wonders of a first love

I might be angry and I might cry
But know that I loved you
And I’ll hold onto the love you showed me
So that I might do it better next time.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

She Cries

The following poem was not written about myself. I wrote this after hearing about a close relative’s experience with miscarriage. The story was told to me by my mother and it moved me so that I felt the need to write a poem about it. I’m happy to say that this close relative now has two beautiful children, and her daughter is like a sister to me. I don’t pretend to understand what it feels like to go through a miscarriage, and in no way is this poem supposed to trivialise the experience. I wrote this purely from the story my mother told me of how she remembered that day. Xx

She Cries

It doesn’t feel so real to her
The emptiness carried inside
Locked within a cubicle
From the world she hides

She finds it hard to understand
The meaning of destiny
Waiting for the moment when
All she wants will be

But she doesn’t think this now
She drowns within her rain
The only thing that she can feel
Is immense, unbearable pain

The life she held within her
Has died the second time
Along with it she feels she’s gone
She feels it is a crime

She wonders if it’s all her fault
Did she do something wrong?
So sure she is that she did right
No mistakes were made along

Yet the hole inside is gaping
Life made, life lost again
She feels she will never be whole
Her heart will never mend

She holds onto her stomach
The cubicle opens wide
Her sister takes her in her arms
And says “it will be all right”

But she knows it’s just a comfort
Life won’t ever be the same
Her sister says it will happen
Today is just today

It doesn’t feel so real to her
For today she just might die
She holds onto her sister
And together they sit and cry.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Loneliness

Loneliness

I thought about loneliness today
For she’s been calling out to me
She whispers words into my ear
About all I’ll never be

She tells me I’ll be happier
Walking through life alone
She tries to pull my heart from me
For I must learn to be on my own

She says to take a look around
At the people that pass me by
“Do you really think they’re happy?
That it’s not just all a lie?”

She says to look at my parents
At how broken they’ve become
“True love?” she spites at the mere idea,
“Where ever did you get that from?”

Then she tells me the reasons why
I’m always turned away
“It’s because you’re not worth fighting for
They’ll look, but never stay”

She says it’s safer to be by myself
For love will just shatter me more
“You can’t take it, sweetheart,
All you’ll meet are those closed doors”

Some of us are just destined to walk
The path of forever alone
The sign that points to glorious love
Is a road we’ll never roam

I used to fight with loneliness
Whenever she’d creep up inside
But her words consume me more
Now I think she might be right

The more I see, the more I hear
The more she makes sense to me
So now she smiles and steals my heart
And tells me I am free

I know her taunts are just a game
To see if I will bend
To see the day when loneliness
Becomes my only friend.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Things I’ll Never Do

Things I’ll Never Do

 

Tonight I saw a shooting star
That made me think of you
It made me think of everything
That I will never do

I’ll never get to hold your hand
And see you smile at me
Or wonder to myself at night
In ten years where we’d be

I’ll never get to kiss your mouth
To feel your lips on mine
Or even get to fight with you
And pretend the next day I’m fine

Those silly arguments won’t be had
I won’t get to make up with you
I’ll never get to tell you tomorrow
That I will always love you

I won’t be the one to wipe your tears
Whenever I see you cry
To softly touch your cheek with my hand
And tell you you’ll be fine

I’ll never get to be the girl
Who says “I believe in you”
To encourage you to chase your dreams
And have faith in all you do

You’ll never hold me close to you
So I can hear the beat of your heart
I’ll never hear you say to me
How we will never be apart

You’ll never be the man for me
The one that I’ll see grow
It’s just these things I’ll never do
These moments I’ll never know

So I tell the shooting star tonight
About the things I’ll never do
I tell it that despite all this,
I’m still the girl for you.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

At the End

I’ve always thought that life was too short to be stuck doing something we hate. Heck, it’s too short to be stuck doing something we only sort-of hate. Somehow, it’s never made sense to me how the “pattern of life”  is supposed to go. Our parents always tells us when we’re kids that we can be anything we want. Then we get older and holding onto those “childish dreams” isn’t noble, but stupid. We’re expected to conform and get a “real job” – whatever that is. I understand that for financial reasons, many people don’t have a choice, and this is often used as an excuse to justify abandoning your true passions. But there are so many stories out there about successful people who started with nothing and somehow became the people they did. I think people abandon their dreams because they’re afraid, and this is normal. It’s scary not to have that security and to have your future so uncertain. I think about this sometimes, but then I always end up asking myself: “at the end of my life, what will I have left behind?” If we only get one shot at life, I think we should make it the exact kind of life we want. Not just something mediocre, but something pretty damn extraordinary. This will be different for everyone and I ain’t judging if your true passion in life is accounting or whatnot, as long as it makes you happy. As long as it’s your legacy.

So many people say, “discover who you want to be, then go be it”. The hard part is the first half of this sentence – discovering who you want to be. I think it’s why many people just cave and fall into some bland job they can tolerate, because let’s face it, “finding yourself” is a pretty tedious and frustrating task. I think it’s worth it to put in those years though. They will never be wasted if you figure yourself out at the end of it. Try different things, see what you like and don’t like, and when you’ve found the thing that just clicks with you, you’ll know it. Everyone has something. I believe this. The ones who say they don’t just haven’t bothered to find out because often it’s well-hidden. Writing is my passion. I’ve been writing since I was a little girl. When I was eight, I started a novel, convincing myself I’d become the youngest author to get published. I never got past the first chapter, of course. The point is, this passion for writing didn’t become clear to me until this year! I kept trying other things, not realising it was in front of my face the whole time. I know I’m not going to regret pursuing this though, as hard as it will likely be, because at the end of my life, I know I’ll be able to look back with a smile and say to myself proudly: yes, this is who I was, this is what I did, and this is the legacy I left behind. Xx

At the End

They ask me how I’ll change this place
‘Cause life’s too short for us to waste
What is it you want to do?
At the end, what’s left of you?

I’m not a scientist or policeman
Nor a teacher or musical band
Not an engineer or psychologist
A doctor or radiologist

So I ask myself what’s important to me
What are those things that I wish to be?
I read a book and it makes me cry
Some deep, raw feeling deep inside

I see characters played out on screen
I fall in love with what they mean
I’m captivated by the creative spell
And all the stories that we must tell

For they’re a moment of escape
From the world we sometimes hate
They inspire and they make us think
Sometimes they’re that missing link

Make-believe can feel so real
They make us grow, they make us feel
Gives us faith we sometimes lack
What we lost can be given back

Inspiring hope in every soul
Those most timid can feel so bold
The kid with glasses in the back
Becomes our very own Superman

The girl who doesn’t like her smile
Can be beautiful for just a while
That boy they think won’t ever rise
Well, he’s a wizard in disguise

All my life this is what I’ve found
That stories make the world go round
So you ask me how to change the world
And I say ‘hey, I’m just one girl’

I won’t save lives or go to the moon
Chances are I won’t be you
Everyone’s different – we’re made that way
And life often feels like a theatre play

It may be tragedy or comedy
Some dramatic love story
So tell me what’s important to you
All the things you want to do

You can’t change the world until you’ve found
What makes your own world spin round, so
What is it you want to do?
At the end, what’s left of you?

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

One Last Time

One Last Time

So many things I want to say
The things you need to hear
A fallen angel before me again
Your breath, your warmth so near

We never could anticipate
The way that it would end
Such things came unexpected
And I hope we’ll still be friends

It started with a single dance
Vivid in my mind
Who would have thought we’d come this far?
And left it all behind

I want to say it’s not over yet
It’s only just begun
But no longer can we fool ourselves
This journey’s gone its run

So stand here before me, angel
Let me look into your eyes
Remember all you taught me
Forever kept inside

Let me softly kiss your mouth
And savour every taste
Tomorrow you must go away
Let not this night go waste

 Believe it’s never over
When love is found this true
There’s only room for one in my heart
And that space is left for you

Don’t cry for me, my angel
Just let me hear your voice
I want to suffer, I want to hurt
This is my eternal choice

For there is only one love
In this life of mine
It’s you, my love, my angel
But now we say goodbye

My heart will bleed forever
When I remember this night with you
My soul mate, the one I trust the most
Who trusts in me most too

I never thought it would end this way
For you are perfect to me
Yet fate, it plays a tricky game
And how perfect imperfect can be

So let me look into your eyes
Before we say goodbye
Kiss me softly on the lips
My angel, one last time.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Eradication

I’m sure we all deal with that overwhelming feeling of emotion called love in our own unique way. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never actually been in love, but when you see or meet someone and suddenly can’t stop thinking about them, your heart sure does do crazy things to convince you you’re there. This is an old piece I wrote a few years ago. If you read my post on unrequited love, this piece was a result of Mr. Amazing-Grey-Eyes in my screenwriting class while I was at university. There was a time he just wouldn’t get out of my head, and how do I deal with these rush of uncontrollable emotions? I write, of course! And it comes easiest when I’m on a high (or on an all-low, hence the more depressing pieces of poetry), because during those times, everything inspires me. If only all my days were like this. It sure would make writing my novel a whole lot easier. Xx

Eradication

I want to write you out of my heart
On blank paper that yearns for my words
I want to sing every lyric I know
In love songs that must be heard

I want to dance around the room
Until you’re out of my thoughts
All the while imagining that
I am eternally yours

I want to create beautiful things
In colours so very bright
Until my feelings for you disappear
Unreachable and out of sight

I want to dream every dream of you
Until they can be no more
All possibilities played in my mind
And into these words they pour

It’s because you inspire me in every way
And I can’t think when you’re around
Even when you’re not in the room
My heart, it can’t be found

For somehow it’s attached to you
And my head is left a mess
I can’t do anything but think of you
My creativity cannot rest

But then I realise I can write it down
I can sing it out loud and dance
I can create all of these beautiful things
And dream a dream of chance

Yet I will never eradicate you from myself
I’m bound to you this way
Creation is so wonderful
But can’t replace what I don’t say

So you see I can never write you out
The questions torment my soul
And until the answers are clear to me
You will always have my hold

You can’t not ever inspire me
You can’t not have my heart
Everything about you
I want to be a part

You capture my imagination
And it’s not just ‘cause you do
I can’t rid you of myself
Because I just don’t want to.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Stone Wall

Stone Wall

Sometimes I look in the mirror
And don’t recognise who I see
A stranger in my reflection
Is staring back at me

How did I come to be here?
What are the secrets that I hide?
People are always telling me
There’s sadness in my eyes

Yet I don’t feel tainted
I haven’t been burned or scarred
It’s those strange walls inside of me
That tell me to protect my heart

My parents taught me when I was young
Look both ways before you cross the road
Don’t take candy from strangers
Don’t go around kissing toads

So I guess I must protect myself
In order to not feel hurt
I must bury the person I am inside
Now all that’s left are these words

I wish I wasn’t so afraid
That for once, someone would see
It’s worth it to stick around a bit
So that I can show you me

But the walls I have push people away
All they see are those grey stones
My reflection would have them believing
I would rather be on my own

I give them the tools to break it down
But they just shrug and walk away
My shrinking heart inside the stone wall
Is not worth a price to pay

So the walls keep getting higher
And I cry because I know
That all it would have taken
Was for someone to break one stone.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011