The Graveyard

The Graveyard

I woke up today and my reflection had changed
Bleeding remnants of what little remained
I wonder when society chipped my soul
And I was cast out for not fitting the mould

So I stand here at the graveyard of those taken in
Prepared to jump where they all have been
The bottomless pit calls out my name
My soul is now its whole to claim

My toes teeter on the edge of this hell
Black dirt reminds me of where I’d have fell
I watch it fall to the emptiness below
So terrified of the place I must go

I look behind to say goodbye
To tell the world that at least I tried
Yet the horizon takes my breath away
And I know that I’d rather stay

I wonder if I’m stuck between
A child and what they say I should be
Clinging desperately to innocence
And soon there’ll just be nothing left

It begins now, the path to insanity
I see the way they look at me
Just jump, just jump, they all say
That’s life, it’s just got to be this way

It’s not so bad once you’ve made it down
You’ll adapt, you’ll eventually come around
This hell you will learn to tolerate
So jump with us before it’s far too late

And soon hell will become but reality
Life prison disguised as liberty
Demons of mind guarding the gate
Ensuring you can never escape

Step back, step back, I tell myself
I can’t fall down to living hell
A pit they say that life should be
So jump, get buried, and you’ll be free

Jaded logic will be the end
And I’m losing what’s left of my defence
I must run again, I feel the urge to leave
Until I find that place I should be

I make for the gate, the horizon behind
I can’t let the graveyard take my mind
The ground opens and tries to pull me down
My screams drown out the heart that pounds

I unlock the gate and make it outside
Eyes dart round for some place to hide
But the graveyard has gone still once more
Silent as it was before

I watch the ground as I walk away
The demons have marked me as their prey
The graveyard hides where it can’t be found
And when you least expect it, it’ll pull you down.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Selfish

Selfish

I must ask myself to stop
To cease moving and look around
For as I struggle forward
My feet bury me underground

Satisfaction is so hard to come by
It’s materialism at best
Perhaps the satisfaction that I seek
Is something that costs less

I asked the universe for meaning
For it seems we’re all so doomed
Life’s a blur to the finish line
And it always comes too soon

I really wanted those amazing things
Now I can’t feel why
To impress, to fit in, to make them proud
But I’ve failed as so far I’ve tried

So I asked what I hoped to leave behind
If my life was gone tomorrow
Striving for all that glitter
Has brought me naught but sorrow

The answer surprised me when it came
For though I wished to leave my mark
I felt what was most important
Was the kindness in our hearts

Dresses will make me prettier
Money will buy me a house
And I would sit there in my pretty dress
And ask “what’s this all about?”

Fame may bring me fortune
Fortune may bring respect
But in the end, the missing link
Would bring me more regret

For my answer to my question
Asked the value of human life
How much we could give to another
How much we could sacrifice

I thought I would feel okay then
If that’s all that would remain
If I left this world tomorrow
And someone’s life had changed.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

[Blank]

Blank faces

All the same

Blinding headache

Going out of my mind

No reason left to be here

Why do we want those things

that mean nothing in the end?

Maybe life is best lived with the knowledge

that you will die tomorrow

In the end, we are but the lonely

Mice spinning on a wheel

Over and over and over and over

Then death comes

The wheel stops spinning

And that was that.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Silent Ahead

Silent Ahead

The sunset looks so beautiful
Painted in orange and blue
I wish I could fly away with the wind
For my heartbreak came too soon

I walk the path of silent ahead
Empty road before me
It’s hard to tell what’s real anymore
It’s hard to really see

I raise my hand into the light
And see it disappear
Fading into world’s background
Into all that’s left of here

And it’s just this moment I can feel
That maybe I’ll be okay
When I feel my heart pulled from me
And the wind take it away

That’s when the tears can cease
For without a heart I cannot cry
I can remain a ghost inside a shell
Its fountain running dry

Sometimes it’s just so very close
I can almost escape from here
Walk into the silent ahead
Leave behind my fallen tears

Everything stopped suddenly
The colours turned on down
I stare into spiralling black hole
And watch the lights turn out

I walk the empty roads at dusk
And hope to not return
To disappear into the silent ahead
Would be my greatest lesson learned.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Guardian Angel

Guardian Angel

Blue skies mean nothing
From this place beyond the stars
I whisper in your ear when you sleep
No matter where you are

You never remember what I say
Your tears, they drown your heart
You wish for rain in sunshine
You ask why we’re apart

I give you gentle kisses
I hope to give you light
For although I’m someplace better
You should still see that clear blue sky

I know you feel me in your dreams
Running through your veins
I live in you forever now
My memory still remains

I may never really disappear for you
But for me, that’s just enough
I want to see you smile again
As I watch you from above

Remember what I said that day
The day that came too soon?
I love you, I love you, and no matter what
I’ll always wait for you.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Twenty-Three

It’s my birthday in about three hours and I’m having a bit of a meltdown or perhaps what one might refer to as a pre-quarter-life crisis. I have just spent this whole day freaking out (the food poisoning didn’t make anything better…) going over everything I never did in my life, never had or experienced. I know I’m still fairly young, so if you’re older, feel free to roll your eyes and ignore this rant. I suppose I just thought I would be the person I was supposed to be by now. I thought me going against the tide would have paid off. Instead, everyone my age is moving on with their lives or accepting that we have to be adults now and I’m still clinging desperately onto dreams that people are beginning to call stupid and impossible. Even I’m beginning to think they may be stupid and impossible (well, not completely. I still have that flicker of hope left…not sure if that’s a good thing or a one-way ticket to the land of the deluded).

I know all this is normal and everyone probably feels this way at some point, but it’s not just the fact that I’ve done nothing with my life. I haven’t even experienced that much to begin with. I feel like I wasted my teen years and my university years. I’ve travelled a bit, but aside from experiencing the countries I was in, that was it. I didn’t really get any “life experience”. I’m one of those people that nothing interesting ever happens to. I never meet anyone interesting and interesting things just don’t happen for me, even when I’ve purposely “put myself out there”. Now I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know if I made the right choices. Things are falling apart a little. I always said – always – that I would never abandon the dreams I had as a teen. Those dreams have changed a bit, but I always said I would follow my heart and do what I loved. Now I’m just at this crossroads where I can continue believing that dreams can be attained or I can give in and become like most other people. Maybe I’m just not meant for extraordinary. This saddens me, more than anything horrible that has happened in my life.

I’m not giving up, just for those concerned that I am since I know a lot of the poetry on this blog is about fighting for your dreams. I am about fighting for your dreams. I’m just at a point right now where I’m feeling low and I want to stay miserable, for a while (maybe to balance out the positive high I was on before? Hah!). Maybe I need it. I need it to get through this birthday. Then I suppose I’ll be soldiering on.

Well, I applaud anyone who read through this “burst of cheer”. Now onto the equally cheerful piece of poetry…

Twenty-Three

Never really felt beautiful
Never heard it from anyone’s lips
Never got a rose on Valentine’s
Never had true love’s kiss

Skipped the part when we were young
Climbed fences into the night
Never partied till the sun came up
And watched tomorrow’s rising light

Yet never really got ahead
Was never one step forward from the crowd
While others rose, I fell to abyss
I kept my foolish head down

Not even close to soulmates
No promotions ahead for me
No “I love you’s” coming my way
No glorious history

I missed out, I missed it all
And now I got nothing to show
I’m nothing but a wanderer
Waiting for her final blow

Seen more places than most
But never found anything there
Always returned to where I am
Feeling so very bare

Thought I was something different
Thought I could make it my way
Refused to cave to mediocrity
Yet mediocrity is all that remains

I was never one of those people
Who would say they wish to go back
Change the past, fix the regrets
Mend the mistakes and cracks

Yet now I wish I could it again
Just a couple of things
Maybe everyone was right
I’m still just a stupid kid

I’m not really sure what happens now
Everyone’s moving forward
I’m stuck in a dance with childish dreams
My feet are moving backward

Maybe it all happens for a reason
And I have my own path to find
Maybe the girl who’s done nothing
Will grow in her own time

Numbers never scared me
So why should it be different now?
I feel I should have something
I shouldn’t feel so down

I’m so scared, god I’m so scared
What if nothing will ever change?
And I become just…nothing
With only me to blame?

Three hours to go now
I watch the clock tick on
Soon it’ll be another year
Again with nothing won

Just the places I have wandered
And this tragic poetry
Lamenting all that hasn’t come
Lamenting twenty-three.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Don’t Wake Me Up

Don’t Wake Me Up

Drifting off to sleep tonight
I think, how nice it would be
To stay this way forever

To wander eternally in a place
Constructed by imagination
Where nothing can be everything

Where I can swim in champagne bubbles
Climb stars in the night sky
Melt into the rainbow horizon

Free from the cage that is reality
That holds me down, hurts me
Asks of me things I don’t wish to be

They tell me to stay alive
‘Cause there’s still so much to see
So much beauty I don’t know

 But I see beauty in my dreams
A beauty life can never have
I can be innocent forever

So please,
Don’t wake me up
I wish to disappear

Don’t tell me to
Open my eyes
To what’s real

Why don’t you
Close your eyes
And tell me what is real?

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

The Dice

The Dice

They say my fate is in my hands
The choice is mine to make
Whichever path I choose to walk
I’ll walk my own mistakes

They tell me life can be designed
And the architect is me
I build the walls and can knock them down
With my creative liberty

The rest will fall into place, they say
Like life’s a piece of cake
But if that were so, why do we struggle
To become those things we create?

I walked my walk, I made mistakes
I had the final product in mind
They told me I was in control
My life was my design

Yet walls they keep on crashing
The ones I wanted to keep tall
Instead they’re popping up in places
I didn’t want them at all

The path itself misleads me
Tells me left is right
Then leaves me booby traps all over
And monstrous creatures to fight

It seems I’ll never get there
That place I see others are
The ones who somehow made it through
Who made it very far

You know what the part they leave out is?
About dictating destiny?
They forget to tell you about the dice
And its unpredictability

Sure, you’re in full control
When the dice they leave your hand
But you really have no idea
On what numbers they will land

You can make the dice all pretty
Scrub them really clean
Polish them and care for them
As you do your dreams

But when it comes time to toss them
It doesn’t matter how shiny they are
A three might give you misery
A six, that brand new car

A five dictates more failure
A seven gives you good luck
A one means nothing will ever change
That once again you’re stuck

So I guess the best we can really do
Is never stop rolling the dice
Roll it once, then roll it again
A million times more, then twice

It might take longer than someone else
But if you don’t give up and keep on
The odds are it will eventually land
On the very number you want

Life is half destiny –
Half perseverance that way
So go on then, keep rolling the dice
And see what the numbers say.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Nameless

Nameless

 I’m physical nothing floating through air
A faceless creature drifting in space
Thoughts of dreams held long ago
All slowly being erased

Hollow eyes and numbed mind
Forgetting love and sadness
Taking over all of me now
Is nothing but this madness

Wish I knew when I disappeared
And became the ghost I am
Lost the spark inside my soul
Stopped caring to understand

Seeing nothing but empty shells
In the people that surround me
Meaningless venture they call life
Meaningless things they want to be

I hate this place that stole my name
That took my spirit and killed it
Ruby blood spilled everywhere
Piercing scream that sounded

The world wishes for me to forget
To become a puppet on a string
Go on without the name I had
Leave behind my everythings

It wishes for me to drench myself
In this game confined by rules
To become a chess piece on the board
To become another fool

But I can’t, so I guess I’ll be staying put
Keep watching the sun set in the west
I’ll continue to drift, to disappear from here
Until I become nameless.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Imperfectly Perfect

Imperfectly Perfect

I see her everywhere I go
She’s everything I wish to hold
The things I want myself to be
She lives what I can only dream

Her beauty stops him in his tracks
Makes him turn and look on back
The world falls easily to her feet
Charming smile to all she meets

Flawless creature walking earth
Yet unaware of what she’s worth
She doesn’t see how the other girls stare
Wishing they could be so fair

How undying is her grace
How faultlessly she knows her place
I wish I knew the things she sees
I wish I felt that perfectly

But what’s that sadness in her eyes?
What are the secrets that she hides?
The things she thinks when she’s alone
The things she’s done she can’t condone

She cries at night and doesn’t know why
Feels just enough to get on by
She’s sees nothing but imperfection
Staring back in her reflection

Others wish for her mirror face
Others want for her lovely grace
But she sees nothing but the scars
Etched into her soul too far

They won’t ever know the tears she cries
How everyday she lives a lie
For every morning as she awakes
She reaches for that perfect face.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012