Note to Self

Note to Self

Buried somewhere deep inside
Is the strength she right now cannot find
For now she only feels the tears
As the world has realised all her fears

But buried someplace deep within
Is everything she might have been
And as her dreams, they fall away
She tells herself what others won’t say

She says to her heart she will be fine
That things they happen in their own time
That it’s not because she’s not beautiful
Not smart enough, or not wonderful

She tells herself it’s worth the wait
That it’s never, ever, ever too late
For life has no timeline written in stone
Though right now she may be on her own

She says that broken dreams can mend
That she’s not yet at her journey’s end
It’s okay to cry and grieve the loss
For heartache is a broken dream’s cost

She says to herself she’s not in a race
That she must always go at her own pace
And disregard what others might see
For only she knows who she can be

She says it will be difficult right now
For her friends are finding what she hasn’t found
And it feels as though she will disappear
Like she doesn’t really belong right here

But she tells herself life will be okay
Though she’s stuck in endless yesterdays
She says to keep running through the pain
Through the fire and through the rain

For there’s nothing so very wrong about her
Perhaps she’s just made one too many wrong turns
She’s merely her own person, and that’s just fine
There’s no point trying to override time

So she tells herself this and takes a deep breath
She says to herself it’s not over yet
She’s just trying to find some meaning in life
And sometimes it feels like she’ll never survive

But keep breathing and it’ll all be okay
And as your dreams, they fall away
You’ll build new ones in their place
As the broken pieces get erased

It just takes time, it will take some time
But rest assured, you’ll be just fine
Keep breathing, girl, while you still stand
Keep breathing, keep breathing, while you still can.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Treadmill

Treadmill

I was running on a treadmill yesterday
To let out all I feel
The anger and sadness kept inside
I hoped to somehow heal

And as I ran I thought to myself
How it was that when I ran
A mirror of my life came up
The way I never planned

I thought how life was a treadmill
That no matter how fast the speed
I never got further than where I am
Toward those things I want to be

My feet they keep on running
With raging, roaring might
But I can never reach my destination
No matter how hard I fight

I’m stuck in one place forever
A mouse trapped on a wheel
Thinking I might go somewhere
But imagination’s never real

My life’s a treadmill running
And if I run too fast, I fall
I’m cursed to never move forward
From where I was before

I was running on a treadmill yesterday
Hoping to go somewhere
Instead I drowned in sweat and tears
‘Cause I just ended up back here.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Ocean of Misery

Ocean of Misery

I’m so tired of waiting
For something to come my way
For this god forsaken universe
To listen to the things I say

Nothing’s ever right here
Nothing’s ever real
All I have are empty words
Surrender to all I feel

The world it keeps on building
The people move so fast
I’m stuck in one place crumbling
‘Cause I always finish last

A drop of hope in an ocean of misery
Does nothing to ease my mind
For as I swim here searching
It’s mostly misery that I find

The waves they pull me under
And no one’s here to pull me out
I want to stop kicking
If the ocean would let me drown

The bottom of the dark sea
Is as quiet as my screams
The water dulls my senses
And I lose all sense of me.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Reflection in the Mirror

Reflection in the Mirror

I wish I had a mirror I could look into
And staring back at me
Would be the reflection of myself
The way that I will be

I wish I could ask that reflection
If it was worth it to stick around
If amazing things, they happened
And what wonders has she found?

I’d ask her if she feels beautiful
And if anyone feels the same
Does she have the life we wanted?
Has she reached those far-out aims?

What of any regrets she has
What mistakes did she make a mess?
Or maybe the worst choices of her life
Became some of her best

I wish I could ask if I was on the right track
For my soul seems faraway
Floating above my physical self
And the decision I have made

I know the future’s not mine to know
But I see no horizon from here
My life’s an open book unwritten
And I’m charging toward my fears

I wish I had a mirror I could look into
So I can hear my reflection say
Keep going strong, keep hanging on
‘Cause you’re going to be okay.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Quirky Girl in a Constructed World

I’ve always sort of embraced my weirdness, but as I get older, it gets harder to accept your own quirks. Ironic, I know, since being “different” when you’re young can be a nightmare. But while it’s more of an external battle when you’re younger, I think the struggle becomes more internal as you get older. You fight with yourself more so than the outside world; and the question becomes whether you should change yourself so you can become a part of this society despite compromising your own beliefs, or whether you should just say “screw it” and keep on keepin’ on just the way you are despite if this means you may be alone forever. The world isn’t kind to those who don’t fit the mould, in spite of what some pop songs may say. I think being different and strange is wonderful, but it also sucks, a lot, because you do feel it, a lot, when you’re around other people and in all aspects of life – from career to relationships. Sometimes I just want to cave and spend the rest of my existence acting out my own life (I mean that literally), but other times I want to fight against it because I don’t really believe I should have to act a certain way just to fit into society so I can have the things I’m supposedly meant to have. What’s a girl to do?

Quirky Girl in a Constructed World

I’m still a little stuck here
I’m still waiting for something real
I can’t seem to scratch the surface
And let in what I should feel

I realised some time yesterday
That no matter how I try
I can’t be somebody that I’m not
For all I’ll feel is the lie

I once thought of it a blessing
But time has made it hard
It made a construction of a life
I didn’t want to start

The things that make me just myself
Are but curses I can’t fight
They may be great, but to the world
They’re my own undying plights

And they will make me lonely
And they will drive others away
For they’re outside of the construction
They’re a price that I must pay

I can’t be funny, I can’t be real
I can’t be strange and speak my mind
I can’t decide who I want to be
For I’m racing against all time

Curse the quirks, my mistaken face
The things that come out from my heart!
I may be kind, but the construction sees only
Those things that tear me apart

And people, they seem to fall away
Into the construction of the frame
They look at me and shake their heads
For I’m odd and a little untamed

So I guess I’m totally out of hope
For I’ll always be this girl
Sitting here with my dangling legs
Over the edge of this constructed world.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012