Falling For You

Falling For You

You read my mind the other night
The thoughts in me I tried to hide
But lying with our faces close
My eyes gave away what I want most

You asked to know what’s in my head
For you know that my mind never rests
My eyes can’t shield what this has become
It’s too late now to turn and run

But I’m scared and just a little coy
A girl enamoured by a boy
So I smile and keep my lips shut tight
While your eyes glimmer with the moonlight

Yet you won’t give up so easily
You want to know just all of me
So I tell you, you must read my mind
To know what’s going on inside

You hint around and ask for clues
Is it a bad thought or is it good?
My hint is transparent as shiny glass
You somehow read my mind so fast

I don’t know how I gave it away
You speak the words that I can’t say
But the best part wasn’t “I’m falling for you”
It was hearing you say, “I’m falling too.”

 Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2014

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F—, I Think I’m in Love

F—, I Think I’m in Love

I’m not sure what’s going on here
It came like a lightning bolt
Struck me unexpectedly
And put my heart on halt

I’d thought maybe it’d be nice
To live in a romance film
But I was a non-believer
I thought, “it can’t be real”

I kinda, just sorta liked you
If you know what I mean
I wasn’t sure if there was more
For it remained to be seen

But now I sit here missing you
And I just saw you today
There’s something tugging at my chest
Like my heart is child’s play

It tugs so hard a tear slips out
And I yell “F — I think I’m in love”
I’m no longer one person without you
My own company’s just not enough

I’m not sure if I should hate you
For making me need you so
I pathetically bury my head in the pillow
That smells like your cologne

And I think I would die if you knew this
I’ve played it so cool thus far
But I’m slipping from the rails here
Into everything you are

You know, I can’t function anymore
My life has become second to you
Everything becomes colourless
There’s nothing else I want to do

I know it’s so unhealthy
To become addicted this way
To live in a world that’s just you and me
To want you to always stay

The worst part is I don’t care at all
I want to fall into addiction
The ache inside just hurts so good
The strangest disposition

So I wrote this poem in some vain attempt
To get you out of my mind
But know that in five minutes
I won’t be feeling so fine

‘Cause I think I’m falling in love with you
[insert profanity of all kinds here]
I didn’t know I would lose myself this way
For that’s one of my greatest fears

But I suppose that’s just what falling is
Giving a part of yourself away
Replacing it with the part you gave me
We become connected this way

The feeling is new and foreign to me
And I may think I’ve lost myself
When perhaps I’m just changing
Into more of something else

I finally, truly get it now
All those things people said about love
The risk, the pain of heartbreak
The need to act so tough

But I’m in it now and it’s too late
It’s become more than just a game
Darn it, I’m in love with you
Now my life won’t ever be the same.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2014

Between Heaven and Hell

Between Heaven and Hell

I hope you know what you’re in for, boy
When you asked me to be yours
Don’t think this is some lover’s game
That you can stop, start and pause

I think you knew it from the start
You wanted to be mine
You got a pencil for your life
And drew out all your lines

I told you I’m a wanderer
So chase me at your own risk
But once you have me, don’t let me go
For you’ve never loved like this

Like love that makes you levitate
That binds you in a spell
And you know that there’s no turning back
As we rock between heaven and hell

I’ll light a fire in your eyes
Like I’m something you’ve waited for
You’ll wonder how you ever lived
Without me here before

I warn you I’m the devil, boy
For I’ll get into your mind
I’m temptation tonguing innocence
And you don’t know what you’ll find

Did you know what you were asking for?
When you asked me to be yours
‘Cause I feel you falling deeper
And I know that you want more

I tried to keep a distance
But your persistence ravished me
Your heart beats faster in your chest
As you watch emotion bleed

I hope you know what you fell for, boy
I’m more than just a prize
You think that I’m an angel
But I’m the devil in disguise.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2014

Completely, Totally

Completely, Totally

Beneath the intensity of this full moon night
He waits to peer into my soul
He wishes to draw that something out
The secrets inside I hold

He sees convolution in my mind
Words twined together like ropes
It makes it hard to speak eloquence
To tell him of dreams and hopes

Yet he wishes to know me completely
He paves way for me to see him
He gives his words so effortlessly
Underneath this moonlight dim

I envy how easy it seems to come
While words stay buried in me
My speech creates only new regret
How can I give totally?

I wait for more moments like this one
As we lie in sticky, sweaty mess
Evidence of our desires
Sharing one more hope and regret

Time is something that I need
To trust, to open, to love
To give up something inside of myself
When I’ve decided love’s enough

When our voices have faded out with the night
When breathing is all that remains
He presses his forehead against my own
And I know my life’s not the same

The words we said have past now
And what’s left is him and me
It’s this moment that I think, perhaps,
He knows me completely, totally.

 Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2014

Strangers and Lovers

Strangers and Lovers

I lost myself in your breath last night
As I felt that yearning ache inside
The moon stole witness to this claim
This unrestrained passion that took place

Silver light spills over your skin
Fleetingly I wonder: all my life, where you’ve been
Your closed eyes give way to my stare
The confusion is sometimes more than I can bear

I ask myself who you really are
If I really wish to go so far
It seems that beyond so nice and so tall
I really don’t know who you are at all

But growing night paves way for embrace
And I find myself gazing at your face
We share secrets under the shine of stars
We act like teenagers in your car

Yet time apart makes a stranger of you
Makes me think that love’s too soon
And wonder if love is in the equation at all
If I could ever really start to fall

Passion and want creates ecstasy
Your touch ignites electricity
But it’s easy to get lost in moments at night
When I am a fool and my heart thinks it’s right

We are strangers and lovers together as one
With no indication of what’s more to come
For now I can’t say what you’re going to be
A strange lover in you is all I can see.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2014

The First

The First

I can’t bring back what could have been
That recklessness of youth
That yearning to fall so mindlessly
Within feelings misunderstood

I know now that I’ve missed that time
That time that became my own
Exploring so very fervently
These places far from home

I gave myself to the world then
And I let you walk on by
Perhaps it was fear that held me back
Perhaps it was not my time

That white dress innocence is gone now
I know love is not child’s play
Though it’s still a stranger to my heart
I see love in a different way

How can I explain this to you
Innocence against battle scars
Scars of time that went on by
Of feeling trapped by bars

Yet the scars on my heart are zero
I haven’t been tainted there yet
But I know the risks from wisdom gained
In playing this lover’s bet

You become my very first everything
First kiss, first touch, first love
First one I want to make see smile
‘Cause just your smile’s enough

So tell me what you think now
For though you are the first
I know you’ve loved before me
You’ve seen the best and worst

From where we are now standing
I know we should be the same
I should have loved before you
Someone must’ve staked my claim

But I joined the game much later
I am innocence to you
And every time you touch me
The feeling is so brand new

I may not be sixteen again
But what I missed out then
I feel it now with you by my side
Like this love will never end

And I don’t know if it’s better
To love now when I am wise
Or to yearn for total abandon
In my sixteen-year-old mind

So you told me I was different
And now you know just why
I’ve had no heartbreak in my life
No reason for me to cry

It all sounds good on paper
For there’s no need to compete
I won’t be leaving one foot behind
When jumping in with both feet

But know you are the first
The first that may break my heart
And I won’t ever be the same
Should love tear me apart

And if that should ever happen
Just know I’ll be okay again
I’ll even accept the reality
That we may not stay friends

This burden is the price you pay
For being first owner of my heart
You’re the first I want to give it to
Of me, you’ll always be a part

So before the heartbreaks and the tears
Thank you for showing me
For teaching me what it’s all about
For we’re making history

Let’s rule this world together on stars
See every single thing on earth
And at the end, should there ever be one
Just remember: you were the first.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

That Moment Last Night

I realise the title of this poem is awfully uncreative, but I couldn’t think of what else to call it. The title is exactly what this poem is about, so it is what it is!

That Moment Last Night

I think back to that moment last night
As you stared on down at me
The warmth of your body over mine
You whispered so carefully

Delirium takes over our minds
It tends to give me pause
You hold me close, press into me
Tonight, my heart is yours

You brush your nose against my cheek
Beneath the stars we kiss
Time stands still for you and me
Tonight, we just exist

Then you look me in the eye, say:
“What are you doing to me?”
I coyly smile, ask “What do you mean?”
As my heart beats frantically

That’s when I glimpse a part of your soul
As you tell me “You’re a wonderful girl”
I wonder if I’m in a movie now
Dreaming my own little world

But you say it so sincerely, you say:
“Don’t you think otherwise,
I don’t know what you’re doing with me
I’m just an average guy”

Words get caught inside my throat
A traffic jam from my mind
I try to think of all the reasons
As he asks me why

I think of his nervous laughter
I think of his goofy smiles
I think of the sweet things that he does
I think of his artistic style

It’s everything together
And all he did to win my heart
I’m ineloquent in expression
‘Cause I don’t know where to start!

So my mouth spills out generic
Something like “you’re a nice guy”
I think he means the things he says
So I tell him, yes, that’s why

We settle back onto the grass
And as we paint pictures with clouds
I think of things I should have said
If my brain would connect with my mouth

But I take comfort in the growing night
As I realise it’s just the start
We have the rest of eternity
To share what’s in our hearts

So I kiss his neck and close to his ear
I whisper quietly
I tell him that of all the places
There’s nowhere I’d rather be

He holds my hand and smiles
His warmth burns my defence
And I know we are thinking the exact same thing:
“I wish tonight would never end.”

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

The Things You Make Me Want to Do

The Things You Make Me Want to Do

I keep my secrets locked inside
Within my heart is where they hide
And around my heart there is a wall
That must be climbed to get in at all

So you used your hammer, knocked it down
You weren’t afraid of what was found
Slowly, you begin to find my key
You unlock my secrets and set them free

I find myself thinking of life before
I was satisfied not wanting more
Now I wonder how I did without
As you teach me what love’s about

I used to like thunderstorms and rainy days
For the solitary moments given way
But I listen to it now and think of you
The thunderstorm music to the things we’d do

Your eyes pierce depths into my soul
Makes me breathe, makes me bold
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alive
I’m freedom like the ocean’s tide

It’s more than beautiful that I feel
Beyond just beauty there’s something real
You make me want to give myself
It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt

With you, I see my inner child
Yet also I feel a little wild
Stolen kisses in deserted parks
Though I still don’t quite know who you are

I’m a little untamed with you by my side
You’re taking me on a rollercoaster ride
I begin to not trust myself with you
And these things you make me want to do.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Rollercoasters

Rollercoasters

Memories return like flashing lights
Glimpses of that unforgettable night
Snapshots through my head like fire
Burning photographs of my desire

I thought of forever lying with you
Although my mind knows it’s too soon
The night was a crazy, endless fall
You broke in me what’s my heart’s law

I see your eyes staring down at me
You pulled me in and I fall so deep
Beneath the blank canvas of night-time clouds
We explore each other, ignore all sounds

You’ll never know how I try so hard
To keep a wall around my heart
I’m afraid to let you pull me in
And take me those places I’ve never been

You see, I wanted to keep a foot away
In case, to you, this was all just play
And I know it could all just fall apart
Before the best part even starts

I wish I could control my mind
Lock you away and compartmentalize
It’s not fair you have me thinking of you
Replaying our time is all I can do

I think you really might hurt me now
I want to leap, I’m fallen-bound
But I must not tell you, you mustn’t know
Just how far the fall could go

So these glimpses of memory stay with me
Until the day I can let you in
And you’ll finally know that all you did
Made me fall for you more than a bit

I hope that we will fall together
Perhaps slowly, dancing like a feather
Or plunging like a comet to ground
Yet the stars in the sky is where we’re bound

Take my hand because I’m afraid
You told me you don’t believe in fate
So you may not catch me when I fall
When you have broken down all my walls

Eventually, I’ll know that it’s okay
And it’s true what everybody says
That feeling of total helplessness
Begins with that of mindlessness

You take the risk and dive headfirst
That your decision will be the worst
But the pain of worst comes with the best
And I might love you a little less

To fall or not – can you really choose?
No matter what, it seems I’ll lose
So like those rollercoasters we talked about
I’ll risk the fall and hope to come out.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Crazy Fear

Good grief, has it really been over a year since I last updated this blog? It feels like meeting up with a really old friend and there’s that inevitable awkwardness between you where you’re both like “so…. how have you been?”.

Anyway, the short version of my absence is I was teaching English in Japan for most of 2012. I would have stayed on if the location hadn’t been so detrimental to my sanity. I lived next to a graveyard in the middle of rice paddy fields – I’m not even kidding. That being said, having a steady job, living on my own, paying my own bills and all that “I’m such a grown-up” jazz was immensely satisfying. In the end though, I knew I couldn’t have a life there. Maybe if the job had been in Tokyo or Osaka instead of some obscure small city, things would have turned out differently. But hey, it was a learning experience I don’t regret, despite the hardships.

Now I’m back home, back to square one, trying to get into an industry I don’t have a background in – it’s crazy. Being in your twenties is crazy and scary and difficult. On the one hand, I feel it was right of me to travel and explore different things to really know what I was good at and would enjoy as a career. On the other hand, I now feel I’ve been too “all over the place” to get a job anywhere! It doesn’t look great on a resume, nor does “I was, er, trying to find myself” sound impressive at a job interview.

Well, hopefully I can get into writing poetry again – one of my loves. I wrote this one recently about someone I, well, recently met. I’m such a late bloomer in all aspects of my life, including dating!

Crazy Fear

It’s been so long and don’t know how
My faith in finding love was found
For a while it seemed so clear
But now I’m overcome with crazy fear

My imagination took me on rides
But I could always just retreat and hide
I could control the fantasy
For it was all just make-believe

But what’s real is more than I can bear
And I never thought I’d feel so scared
I dreamed of him so many times
And spoke of him in all my rhymes

I said when I loved, I’d love with my all
And if I should stumble, I’d suffer the fall
But I’d take that chance and take the risk
For I yearned desperately for that first kiss

Now it’s come and I don’t know why
I feel so terribly torn inside
Afraid my flaws will be all he sees
‘Cause I really don’t know what he sees in me

What’s truly inside will push him away
And I don’t want to have to convince him to stay
Afraid he’ll see through my transparency
That he’ll take my heart and make it bleed

Or worse, he’ll judge me before he knows
What lies inside that I have to show
It’ll all be over before it even began
And I’ll never really understand

I’m walking on glass with my bare feet
Afraid of cuts if I step too deep
He thinks it’s skill, not necessity
For the surface right now is all he sees

If only this crazy fear was gone
Counting how many things can go wrong
If only I could let him in
I won’t have to wonder what could have been.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013