The First “I Love You”

The First “I Love You”

I always wondered about the boy
Who would steal my heart one day
I did not think that boy would be
The man you are today

You kiss me and I turn away
For I’m a little shy
My coyness seems more than enough
To scare off other guys

But what’s shy to you is quirky
And the way you touch my face
Makes me want to hold onto
This feeling I can’t replace

You stole a part of me that night
That’s now just memory
You showed me something of yourself
That others don’t really see

I had dreamt of whispered “I love you’s”
But the way you said it that night
I don’t think it could have been better
It couldn’t have felt more right

I’m not sure what really took place
As you held me in your car
But something seems to have changed
As you showed me who you are

Now there’s a weight deep in my gut
And I think it’s because of you
I think that people call it fear
For now I’ve something to lose

Our lives they keep on changing
And who you are today
Is not a guaranteed forever
As nothing stays the same

Just know when I said “I love you”
It means our happiness comes first
As the past burns out and the future comes
Our feelings may disperse

But loving you means letting go
Should letting go be right
It means you see hope in one place
Where for me there’s just no light

But “I love you” comes with no regrets
And in my heart you’ll stay
The one who showed me something real
Who changed my yesterdays

You said you want me to remember
And now you’re a part of me
The boy who once upon a time
I fit with perfectly.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2014

Hope’s Candle

Hope’s Candle

I wonder if failing gets easier
The older we become
We wear them on us like medals
Of obstacles overcome

Hope begins so abundant
When we see through child’s eyes
I wish to feel so limitless
To find limit in the sky

Yet the pain begins to numb me
Each failure crumbles my faith
Timelines of all that should have been
Tell me it’s all too late

They say failing makes you stronger
Each downfall a lesson learned
No one ever thinks to mention
That your hope, it also burns

Hope’s flame begins so fiery
If you tend to it, it grows
But the flame it always flickers
With every taken blow

Hope’s candle starts to diminish
That burning pool of wax
Until there’s really nothing left
Of flame that it once had

What can I do, my candle’s out
I’m broken down again
No matter how I try to ignite it
My hope is at its end

Then I woke up this morning
And there was a box from you
Inside the box was a candle
Fresh, untouched, brand new.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

The Twenty-Something Soul

The Twenty-Something Soul

It never seems like a mistake
Those moments you decide
You tell yourself it’ll be okay
And pay your sins with time

You pay them so very freely
For life hasn’t “happened yet”
You think you have more years to go
To live out your regrets

The signposts you meet are many
They point in every which way
So you sigh and fall down on your bed
“Just get me through today!”

Facebook makes you doubt yourself
Your friends are all engaged
Or they’re out there “living the dream”
While you’re stuck in this cage

That degree you got means nothing
That’s why you took off and took flight
Struggling to somehow “find yourself”
Through raging, sleepless nights

You saw the world with your own two eyes
And thought you knew it all
Never realising there’s only you now
To catch you if you fall

Heartbreak costs more than you bargained
Because now is when people change
Seven years down the track
He or she won’t be the same

Feeling like you know everything
Yet nothing at the same time
Watching as other people take that dream
The one that was meant to be mine

Change is constant and so is doubt
Those mistakes cost you a life
The life that you were meant to have
Those dreams you knew not you strived

Society punishes you for changing your mind
For trying to find who you are
You’ve caved when the highlight of your week
Is Friday night drinks at the bar

You just want to be “together”
You want the body, the soulmate, the dream
That apartment that’s yours and a job you love
A life that fits perfectly

Yet nothing happened how you planned
You keep digging a deeper hole
Pretty soon you’ll be close to thirty
With absolutely nothing to show

Bombarded with messages from the wiser
Disheartened by the young
Trying to find some footing in life
While trying to just have some fun

So kick down that darned signpost
Disable my Facebook page
Look ahead with peace of mind – ‘cause you know what?
I did my best today.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma

To my dearest grandma
This letter comes from my heart
I reminisce on memories
Of which I was never a part

Your daughter told me to talk to you
And it’d be wise to heed her advice
For those times I failed to listen to her
I always paid the price

 Sometimes she says I remind her of you
Though we never got to meet
She says you were beautiful and wonderful
Always thinking on your feet

I think you would know just what to say
As I feel like I’ve messed up my life
I want to go back and change everything
For I realise I’ve wasted my time

Yet I really don’t want to ask so much
For you must be busy up there
But your daughter tells me you listen
In times of her own despair

So first I want to say thank you
For bringing good things to my life
For giving me an experience
That makes me feel so alive

I never thought it would happen
Because I waited for so long
And though it’s just beginning
The lesson will make me strong

Now I ask for one more thing
To get me on the right track
I’m done with looking everywhere
And getting naught but two steps back

I think this might be right for me
I just wish I knew from the start
That I didn’t let fear get in the way
Of what was in my heart

It just seems mightily impossible
For train tracks can’t be jumped
I must need a little magic
To win a battle that can’t be won

I just ask for a small stepping stone
I promise to work hard for the rest
I want to live my world by passion
Though I may not be the best

I don’t know if you’re getting this
But your daughter told me to try
She said you answered all her pleas
And perhaps you’d answer mine

I think you know some secret
As you’re smiling from way up there
Maybe you’ve been watching all this time
I was just too ignorant to care

Maybe the sum of my experiences
Are leading to something great
This silly fear is stupidity
Like everything’s too late

So if you hear me, grandma
I just need a little light
A little guidance to see the way
To watch these dreams take flight

I wish I got to hear your voice
I wish I could see your smile
Thank you, grandma, with all my heart
Love from your grand-child.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Note to Self

Note to Self

Buried somewhere deep inside
Is the strength she right now cannot find
For now she only feels the tears
As the world has realised all her fears

But buried someplace deep within
Is everything she might have been
And as her dreams, they fall away
She tells herself what others won’t say

She says to her heart she will be fine
That things they happen in their own time
That it’s not because she’s not beautiful
Not smart enough, or not wonderful

She tells herself it’s worth the wait
That it’s never, ever, ever too late
For life has no timeline written in stone
Though right now she may be on her own

She says that broken dreams can mend
That she’s not yet at her journey’s end
It’s okay to cry and grieve the loss
For heartache is a broken dream’s cost

She says to herself she’s not in a race
That she must always go at her own pace
And disregard what others might see
For only she knows who she can be

She says it will be difficult right now
For her friends are finding what she hasn’t found
And it feels as though she will disappear
Like she doesn’t really belong right here

But she tells herself life will be okay
Though she’s stuck in endless yesterdays
She says to keep running through the pain
Through the fire and through the rain

For there’s nothing so very wrong about her
Perhaps she’s just made one too many wrong turns
She’s merely her own person, and that’s just fine
There’s no point trying to override time

So she tells herself this and takes a deep breath
She says to herself it’s not over yet
She’s just trying to find some meaning in life
And sometimes it feels like she’ll never survive

But keep breathing and it’ll all be okay
And as your dreams, they fall away
You’ll build new ones in their place
As the broken pieces get erased

It just takes time, it will take some time
But rest assured, you’ll be just fine
Keep breathing, girl, while you still stand
Keep breathing, keep breathing, while you still can.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Treadmill

Treadmill

I was running on a treadmill yesterday
To let out all I feel
The anger and sadness kept inside
I hoped to somehow heal

And as I ran I thought to myself
How it was that when I ran
A mirror of my life came up
The way I never planned

I thought how life was a treadmill
That no matter how fast the speed
I never got further than where I am
Toward those things I want to be

My feet they keep on running
With raging, roaring might
But I can never reach my destination
No matter how hard I fight

I’m stuck in one place forever
A mouse trapped on a wheel
Thinking I might go somewhere
But imagination’s never real

My life’s a treadmill running
And if I run too fast, I fall
I’m cursed to never move forward
From where I was before

I was running on a treadmill yesterday
Hoping to go somewhere
Instead I drowned in sweat and tears
‘Cause I just ended up back here.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Reflection in the Mirror

Reflection in the Mirror

I wish I had a mirror I could look into
And staring back at me
Would be the reflection of myself
The way that I will be

I wish I could ask that reflection
If it was worth it to stick around
If amazing things, they happened
And what wonders has she found?

I’d ask her if she feels beautiful
And if anyone feels the same
Does she have the life we wanted?
Has she reached those far-out aims?

What of any regrets she has
What mistakes did she make a mess?
Or maybe the worst choices of her life
Became some of her best

I wish I could ask if I was on the right track
For my soul seems faraway
Floating above my physical self
And the decision I have made

I know the future’s not mine to know
But I see no horizon from here
My life’s an open book unwritten
And I’m charging toward my fears

I wish I had a mirror I could look into
So I can hear my reflection say
Keep going strong, keep hanging on
‘Cause you’re going to be okay.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Quirky Girl in a Constructed World

I’ve always sort of embraced my weirdness, but as I get older, it gets harder to accept your own quirks. Ironic, I know, since being “different” when you’re young can be a nightmare. But while it’s more of an external battle when you’re younger, I think the struggle becomes more internal as you get older. You fight with yourself more so than the outside world; and the question becomes whether you should change yourself so you can become a part of this society despite compromising your own beliefs, or whether you should just say “screw it” and keep on keepin’ on just the way you are despite if this means you may be alone forever. The world isn’t kind to those who don’t fit the mould, in spite of what some pop songs may say. I think being different and strange is wonderful, but it also sucks, a lot, because you do feel it, a lot, when you’re around other people and in all aspects of life – from career to relationships. Sometimes I just want to cave and spend the rest of my existence acting out my own life (I mean that literally), but other times I want to fight against it because I don’t really believe I should have to act a certain way just to fit into society so I can have the things I’m supposedly meant to have. What’s a girl to do?

Quirky Girl in a Constructed World

I’m still a little stuck here
I’m still waiting for something real
I can’t seem to scratch the surface
And let in what I should feel

I realised some time yesterday
That no matter how I try
I can’t be somebody that I’m not
For all I’ll feel is the lie

I once thought of it a blessing
But time has made it hard
It made a construction of a life
I didn’t want to start

The things that make me just myself
Are but curses I can’t fight
They may be great, but to the world
They’re my own undying plights

And they will make me lonely
And they will drive others away
For they’re outside of the construction
They’re a price that I must pay

I can’t be funny, I can’t be real
I can’t be strange and speak my mind
I can’t decide who I want to be
For I’m racing against all time

Curse the quirks, my mistaken face
The things that come out from my heart!
I may be kind, but the construction sees only
Those things that tear me apart

And people, they seem to fall away
Into the construction of the frame
They look at me and shake their heads
For I’m odd and a little untamed

So I guess I’m totally out of hope
For I’ll always be this girl
Sitting here with my dangling legs
Over the edge of this constructed world.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Love Story in Your Head

Love Story in Your Head

I came across my old diary today
The words my old self used to say
Immortalised to memory
Is the way my old heart used to beat

I thought if I could go back in time
Would I change the way I used to rhyme?
The poetry of a little girl
Told lies of how love spun the world

He loves me, oh, he loves me not
One glance and then she’s just forgot
But one glance to her means so much more
Though his charm is but tall tales of lore

One day, she thinks, she’ll find her prince
And he’ll embody everything
Those parts of her she wishes won’t hide
He’ll draw them out from deep inside

One day, she dreams, things will be okay
Life won’t always be this way
When she’s grown up, it’ll be her time
And like the stars, she knows she’ll shine

But it’s all a love story in her head
And it’s hard to read back on what she said
Those things she desperately wished to be
Are but tales of a young girl’s fantasy

Those things she hoped to one day find
She didn’t foresee she’d change her mind
The world is a different kind of cruel
From the prison walls of her high school

I think if I could go back in time
I’d tell her she would be just fine
I’d say to keep writing what she feels
For writing makes it that much more real

As for the love story in your mind
Keep writing it, for it keeps hope alive
Now I came across my old diary today
I read it, I smiled, then I put it away.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

The Last Chrysalis

It’s been a while yet again. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this blog after I head off overseas next month. I’d like to try to keep it alive, even if the gaps between posts is a little long. For those curious, after a brief ski trip in New Zealand, I’ll be heading off to Thailand to earn a CELTA qualification, which will enable me to teach English in foreign countries (or at home, if I end up back here). This isn’t exactly the life I imagined for myself (because believe me, I NEVER in a million years expected to become a teacher. In fact, I promised myself I wouldn’t), but lo and behold, look where I’ve ended up. So while everyone else I know is taking off in their high-flying corporate careers, settling in a comfortable lifestyle or heading in that general direction, I am once again embarking on a turbulent path that may or may not lead anywhere, which leads me to the topic of today’s poetry: the late bloomer.

I never thought I was a late bloomer, but in every aspect of life, I find I am. And it’s pretty miserable because you don’t feel like a late bloomer; you just feel like a screw-up most of the time. I read this somewhere recently: “On the road to great achievement, the late bloomer will resemble a failure” (from this article written last year: http://www.smh.com.au/executive-style/management/finding-success-later-in-life-20110711-1hady.html – a good read if you have some time). This really struck a chord with me, because I do look like a failure at this point in my life, and I’ve certainly been feeling like one for a while. Everyone who’s followed my blog for a while likely knows I abhor societal expectations, and yet I find I’ve been sucked into it all the same. It’s hard to go the other way when everyone else you know is moving with the current. There is somewhere I should be at this stage of my life, but after accepting I may just be a late bloomer, I think it’s okay that I’m not. I’m still fighting against feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing, but my timeline is just a little different from others and I have to trust I’ll end up where I’m supposed to be sooner or (more likely) later.

The Last Chrysalis

It seems she will never grow her wings
And feel the joy that flying brings
Life seemed okay and then it stopped
Now she can’t see what lies on top

She’s still like winter bleeding snow
She’s lay through seasons others won’t know
And yet it seems she can’t break free
She’s stuck in her own history

Her friends took off so long ago
She stays behind, still going slow
They’re flying places she ought to be
And talk about all that they’ve seen

She knows that soon they’ll disappear
They can’t wait for her, year after year
And she’ll be left alone in the cold
Trapped inside this strangling mould

With wings that struggle to be grown
How can she make it on her own?
All that’s left, all that remains
Is flickering hope that burns through pain

Yet she doesn’t want to hope for change
She’s always been a little strange
For hoping brought her down before
Now she won’t dare wish for more

Perhaps today is forever for her
Eternity is as she were
All she can do is wait for next spring
And maybe this time, she’ll see those wings.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012