Ocean of Misery

Ocean of Misery

I’m so tired of waiting
For something to come my way
For this god forsaken universe
To listen to the things I say

Nothing’s ever right here
Nothing’s ever real
All I have are empty words
Surrender to all I feel

The world it keeps on building
The people move so fast
I’m stuck in one place crumbling
‘Cause I always finish last

A drop of hope in an ocean of misery
Does nothing to ease my mind
For as I swim here searching
It’s mostly misery that I find

The waves they pull me under
And no one’s here to pull me out
I want to stop kicking
If the ocean would let me drown

The bottom of the dark sea
Is as quiet as my screams
The water dulls my senses
And I lose all sense of me.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Fugitive

Fugitive

The world took all of me today
And rained down all my tears
What’s left is hollow emptiness
Raw sting of restless fears

Something took my colours away
And I’m so very cold
I watch the rain paint black and white
Grey stains in place of gold

And I wonder if it’s all my fault
I ruined what never began
Searched wrongly for my happiness
For I thought I’d understand

Now happiness despises me
Disappeared and called me a fool
Left me with no will to fight
With nothing left to do

Now I stay in limbo
Imprisoned in this place
Wish for heaven, but I must stay
For they won’t let me escape

I wanted to feel okay again
But joy has evaded me
It hides in a place so dark and gone
A place I just can’t see

And I just keep on sinking
As I try to change my own mind
Telling myself hope hasn’t left
That people can still be kind

But I realise it was never happiness
That really ran away
I’m a fugitive of my own life
From tomorrow’s impending today

And I just keep on running
And whenever I am found
They must tie me down and lock me up
And keep me tightly bound

They demand happiness of me
But I tell them she escaped
Go find her then, but don’t they know
It’s already far too late

Drowning in the rain that made an ocean
I swim up toward the light
I wish to break the surface
And watch my soul take flight.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

[Blank]

Blank faces

All the same

Blinding headache

Going out of my mind

No reason left to be here

Why do we want those things

that mean nothing in the end?

Maybe life is best lived with the knowledge

that you will die tomorrow

In the end, we are but the lonely

Mice spinning on a wheel

Over and over and over and over

Then death comes

The wheel stops spinning

And that was that.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Silent Ahead

Silent Ahead

The sunset looks so beautiful
Painted in orange and blue
I wish I could fly away with the wind
For my heartbreak came too soon

I walk the path of silent ahead
Empty road before me
It’s hard to tell what’s real anymore
It’s hard to really see

I raise my hand into the light
And see it disappear
Fading into world’s background
Into all that’s left of here

And it’s just this moment I can feel
That maybe I’ll be okay
When I feel my heart pulled from me
And the wind take it away

That’s when the tears can cease
For without a heart I cannot cry
I can remain a ghost inside a shell
Its fountain running dry

Sometimes it’s just so very close
I can almost escape from here
Walk into the silent ahead
Leave behind my fallen tears

Everything stopped suddenly
The colours turned on down
I stare into spiralling black hole
And watch the lights turn out

I walk the empty roads at dusk
And hope to not return
To disappear into the silent ahead
Would be my greatest lesson learned.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Twenty-Three

It’s my birthday in about three hours and I’m having a bit of a meltdown or perhaps what one might refer to as a pre-quarter-life crisis. I have just spent this whole day freaking out (the food poisoning didn’t make anything better…) going over everything I never did in my life, never had or experienced. I know I’m still fairly young, so if you’re older, feel free to roll your eyes and ignore this rant. I suppose I just thought I would be the person I was supposed to be by now. I thought me going against the tide would have paid off. Instead, everyone my age is moving on with their lives or accepting that we have to be adults now and I’m still clinging desperately onto dreams that people are beginning to call stupid and impossible. Even I’m beginning to think they may be stupid and impossible (well, not completely. I still have that flicker of hope left…not sure if that’s a good thing or a one-way ticket to the land of the deluded).

I know all this is normal and everyone probably feels this way at some point, but it’s not just the fact that I’ve done nothing with my life. I haven’t even experienced that much to begin with. I feel like I wasted my teen years and my university years. I’ve travelled a bit, but aside from experiencing the countries I was in, that was it. I didn’t really get any “life experience”. I’m one of those people that nothing interesting ever happens to. I never meet anyone interesting and interesting things just don’t happen for me, even when I’ve purposely “put myself out there”. Now I just don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know if I made the right choices. Things are falling apart a little. I always said – always – that I would never abandon the dreams I had as a teen. Those dreams have changed a bit, but I always said I would follow my heart and do what I loved. Now I’m just at this crossroads where I can continue believing that dreams can be attained or I can give in and become like most other people. Maybe I’m just not meant for extraordinary. This saddens me, more than anything horrible that has happened in my life.

I’m not giving up, just for those concerned that I am since I know a lot of the poetry on this blog is about fighting for your dreams. I am about fighting for your dreams. I’m just at a point right now where I’m feeling low and I want to stay miserable, for a while (maybe to balance out the positive high I was on before? Hah!). Maybe I need it. I need it to get through this birthday. Then I suppose I’ll be soldiering on.

Well, I applaud anyone who read through this “burst of cheer”. Now onto the equally cheerful piece of poetry…

Twenty-Three

Never really felt beautiful
Never heard it from anyone’s lips
Never got a rose on Valentine’s
Never had true love’s kiss

Skipped the part when we were young
Climbed fences into the night
Never partied till the sun came up
And watched tomorrow’s rising light

Yet never really got ahead
Was never one step forward from the crowd
While others rose, I fell to abyss
I kept my foolish head down

Not even close to soulmates
No promotions ahead for me
No “I love you’s” coming my way
No glorious history

I missed out, I missed it all
And now I got nothing to show
I’m nothing but a wanderer
Waiting for her final blow

Seen more places than most
But never found anything there
Always returned to where I am
Feeling so very bare

Thought I was something different
Thought I could make it my way
Refused to cave to mediocrity
Yet mediocrity is all that remains

I was never one of those people
Who would say they wish to go back
Change the past, fix the regrets
Mend the mistakes and cracks

Yet now I wish I could it again
Just a couple of things
Maybe everyone was right
I’m still just a stupid kid

I’m not really sure what happens now
Everyone’s moving forward
I’m stuck in a dance with childish dreams
My feet are moving backward

Maybe it all happens for a reason
And I have my own path to find
Maybe the girl who’s done nothing
Will grow in her own time

Numbers never scared me
So why should it be different now?
I feel I should have something
I shouldn’t feel so down

I’m so scared, god I’m so scared
What if nothing will ever change?
And I become just…nothing
With only me to blame?

Three hours to go now
I watch the clock tick on
Soon it’ll be another year
Again with nothing won

Just the places I have wandered
And this tragic poetry
Lamenting all that hasn’t come
Lamenting twenty-three.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Don’t Wake Me Up

Don’t Wake Me Up

Drifting off to sleep tonight
I think, how nice it would be
To stay this way forever

To wander eternally in a place
Constructed by imagination
Where nothing can be everything

Where I can swim in champagne bubbles
Climb stars in the night sky
Melt into the rainbow horizon

Free from the cage that is reality
That holds me down, hurts me
Asks of me things I don’t wish to be

They tell me to stay alive
‘Cause there’s still so much to see
So much beauty I don’t know

 But I see beauty in my dreams
A beauty life can never have
I can be innocent forever

So please,
Don’t wake me up
I wish to disappear

Don’t tell me to
Open my eyes
To what’s real

Why don’t you
Close your eyes
And tell me what is real?

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Empty World

This is complete word spew but it’s one of those nights I need to get my thoughts onto paper. I’m sure I’ll read this tomorrow and have no idea what I was saying.

Empty World

Imagine if love was easy to find
And people don’t break your heart
If lives could be changed overnight
And things don’t fall apart

Imagine if dreams were guaranteed
And failures didn’t exist
If you wanted it so bad enough
You’d get it if you’d persist

Imagine a world where people cared
Where it was finally your turn
Where every voice could be heard
And hope cannot be burned

I’m sick of imagining a kinder place
When it takes so much to survive
When I have been spun into the lies we weave
And forgotten how to be alive

I stay awake with fuzzy mind
To try to feel something more
Watching the hours tick on by
Like breathing’s such a chore

It’s too hard, it’s too hard, it’s too damn hard
Just free me from these chains
This hole I see in everything
This emptiness I can’t explain

 I tried to be marvelled today
I praised the blue sky and the breeze
I tried to do something more with myself
Only to have clouds appear over me

 So I’m just listening to the wind now
Sitting here all alone
Trying to feel why it is I’m here
Thinking how we’re all on our own

 Just close in, close in on me
Envelope my entire self
Erase everything I thought I had
Save me from this hell

No more imagining now
Just drown in the nothingness
Close my eyes and pretend I don’t see
My broken happiness.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Blueberries and Blah

These are just words on a page. If you can figure out what this poem’s about, you’re already way ahead of me. Literal word spew ahead. I blame this on what I’m referring to as my “query week” of querying literary agents. My hair might as well be lit on fire… “Will they like my story? Oh my God, nothing actually happens in my novel! What if they ALL reject me? No no, someone will say yes. But how can you be SURE? You don’t even live in the US and you’re querying US agents…so they’ll probably hate you. Or maybe they’ll love your novel and decide to represent you anyway. Why do agents from my own country hate fantasy? Why are their books never open?? *breathe, breathe, breathe* *faint*”

Blueberries and Blah

Blueberries, almonds, pancakes and lime
Notebooks, diaries and poems that rhyme
Quirky, zig-zag, a little insane
Chasing dreams ’cause I cannot be tamed

Things of the future taped on the wall
I might be short but my heart stands tall
Something out of nothing, nothing out of that
Wondering how I got to exactly where I’m at

I don’t write the words, the words write me
An idea in my mind writes its own story
Something out of nothing, something might be there
When it comes to writing, anything is fair

Blah and blah and blah
Will I ever yell hurrah
I guess we’ll wait and see
What will ever become of me.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Sometimes…

Sometimes…

Sometimes words aren’t enough
To take everything inside
Wrap it up and deliver to the world
Those things you tried to hide

Sometimes you feel so strongly
You feel your heart crack in two
The rising ocean in your chest
Yet you cannot move

Sometimes you don’t know what you feel
You just try so hard to find
Some kind of suppressed emotion
You bottled up inside

Sometimes you feel like baking a cake
So that you may lick the bowl
Mix some things into a batter
Then add one part of your soul

And sometimes you don’t want to feel
And you don’t want to rhyme
So the only thing that comes to you is:
Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes…

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Freak Out

So, I’ve finished my book. Let the freaking out begin as I try to get my proverbial foot in the door. Word spew poetry alert below.

Freak Out

So it begins, the start of it all
And I wonder how many times I will fall
I’m freaking out, I’m terrified
From everything I feel inside

Can’t stop it now, I’ve come too far
To get to where it is you are
Can only stand my ground and fight
Until I reach those whole new heights

I saw the struggle in every star
Those nights I watched them from afar
I knew I’d make it there one day
And feel that struggle along the way

You’ll want to give up sometime soon
‘Cause no one will believe in you
They’ll beat you down, they’ll make you cry
They’ll make you suffer and want to die

They’ll tell you you’re not good enough
So pack your bags, cut loose and run
You may believe the words they say
But no matter what, just find a way

This is it, darling, the start of it all
And yes, don’t doubt you will certainly fall
Not once, not twice, but a hundred times
But in the end, I promise you’ll be fine

 Don’t fear the failure that will test your strength
The obstacles that will lie ahead
It’s just one part toward your dream
To everything you are going to be

So freak out now, freak it all out
Until you’re left with little doubt
You can’t stop now, you’ve made up your mind
So get up, honey, it’s time to shine.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011