That Moment Last Night

I realise the title of this poem is awfully uncreative, but I couldn’t think of what else to call it. The title is exactly what this poem is about, so it is what it is!

That Moment Last Night

I think back to that moment last night
As you stared on down at me
The warmth of your body over mine
You whispered so carefully

Delirium takes over our minds
It tends to give me pause
You hold me close, press into me
Tonight, my heart is yours

You brush your nose against my cheek
Beneath the stars we kiss
Time stands still for you and me
Tonight, we just exist

Then you look me in the eye, say:
“What are you doing to me?”
I coyly smile, ask “What do you mean?”
As my heart beats frantically

That’s when I glimpse a part of your soul
As you tell me “You’re a wonderful girl”
I wonder if I’m in a movie now
Dreaming my own little world

But you say it so sincerely, you say:
“Don’t you think otherwise,
I don’t know what you’re doing with me
I’m just an average guy”

Words get caught inside my throat
A traffic jam from my mind
I try to think of all the reasons
As he asks me why

I think of his nervous laughter
I think of his goofy smiles
I think of the sweet things that he does
I think of his artistic style

It’s everything together
And all he did to win my heart
I’m ineloquent in expression
‘Cause I don’t know where to start!

So my mouth spills out generic
Something like “you’re a nice guy”
I think he means the things he says
So I tell him, yes, that’s why

We settle back onto the grass
And as we paint pictures with clouds
I think of things I should have said
If my brain would connect with my mouth

But I take comfort in the growing night
As I realise it’s just the start
We have the rest of eternity
To share what’s in our hearts

So I kiss his neck and close to his ear
I whisper quietly
I tell him that of all the places
There’s nowhere I’d rather be

He holds my hand and smiles
His warmth burns my defence
And I know we are thinking the exact same thing:
“I wish tonight would never end.”

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

The Things You Make Me Want to Do

The Things You Make Me Want to Do

I keep my secrets locked inside
Within my heart is where they hide
And around my heart there is a wall
That must be climbed to get in at all

So you used your hammer, knocked it down
You weren’t afraid of what was found
Slowly, you begin to find my key
You unlock my secrets and set them free

I find myself thinking of life before
I was satisfied not wanting more
Now I wonder how I did without
As you teach me what love’s about

I used to like thunderstorms and rainy days
For the solitary moments given way
But I listen to it now and think of you
The thunderstorm music to the things we’d do

Your eyes pierce depths into my soul
Makes me breathe, makes me bold
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alive
I’m freedom like the ocean’s tide

It’s more than beautiful that I feel
Beyond just beauty there’s something real
You make me want to give myself
It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt

With you, I see my inner child
Yet also I feel a little wild
Stolen kisses in deserted parks
Though I still don’t quite know who you are

I’m a little untamed with you by my side
You’re taking me on a rollercoaster ride
I begin to not trust myself with you
And these things you make me want to do.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Stranger By My Side

Stranger by my Side

I wonder who he becomes at night
Before he lays to sleep
I wonder about his rainy days
And if he ever feels so deep

The masks we put on begin to crack
As time it passes by
Exposing the wounds and the flaws
Revealing all our lies

Melancholy consumed me today
And I wonder how he’d feel
I’ve never had to think of another
When I’ve felt so very real

I wonder why I care so much
When strangers are all we are
You can’t truly know a person
When you’ve only come so far

But he’s such a lovely stranger
Whose kisses I wish to keep
But something seems to hold me back
From jumping with both feet

My sadness can overwhelm me
I like to lock away and hide
I’ve taught myself resistance
In keeping feelings shut inside

Yet I know I must now be open
For if I never give my heart
Strangers forever is all we’ll be
And it will end before it starts

I fear misunderstanding
For I feel to the depths of my soul
Not many care to reach so far
To disappear in those black holes

Smiling feels like work sometimes
I just want to know him all
I wish I could see his melancholy
Before I start to fall

Those moments before we fall asleep
When we’re alone on rainy days
There’s no one else to answer for
No meaningless things to say

I think if he could know me now
And I could see him here
The strangers we are to each other
Would become a bit more clear

I wait for that moment I look at him
I wait to see it in our eyes
I wait for the day that he becomes
more than a stranger by my side.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

The Twenty-Something Soul

The Twenty-Something Soul

It never seems like a mistake
Those moments you decide
You tell yourself it’ll be okay
And pay your sins with time

You pay them so very freely
For life hasn’t “happened yet”
You think you have more years to go
To live out your regrets

The signposts you meet are many
They point in every which way
So you sigh and fall down on your bed
“Just get me through today!”

Facebook makes you doubt yourself
Your friends are all engaged
Or they’re out there “living the dream”
While you’re stuck in this cage

That degree you got means nothing
That’s why you took off and took flight
Struggling to somehow “find yourself”
Through raging, sleepless nights

You saw the world with your own two eyes
And thought you knew it all
Never realising there’s only you now
To catch you if you fall

Heartbreak costs more than you bargained
Because now is when people change
Seven years down the track
He or she won’t be the same

Feeling like you know everything
Yet nothing at the same time
Watching as other people take that dream
The one that was meant to be mine

Change is constant and so is doubt
Those mistakes cost you a life
The life that you were meant to have
Those dreams you knew not you strived

Society punishes you for changing your mind
For trying to find who you are
You’ve caved when the highlight of your week
Is Friday night drinks at the bar

You just want to be “together”
You want the body, the soulmate, the dream
That apartment that’s yours and a job you love
A life that fits perfectly

Yet nothing happened how you planned
You keep digging a deeper hole
Pretty soon you’ll be close to thirty
With absolutely nothing to show

Bombarded with messages from the wiser
Disheartened by the young
Trying to find some footing in life
While trying to just have some fun

So kick down that darned signpost
Disable my Facebook page
Look ahead with peace of mind – ‘cause you know what?
I did my best today.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma

To my dearest grandma
This letter comes from my heart
I reminisce on memories
Of which I was never a part

Your daughter told me to talk to you
And it’d be wise to heed her advice
For those times I failed to listen to her
I always paid the price

 Sometimes she says I remind her of you
Though we never got to meet
She says you were beautiful and wonderful
Always thinking on your feet

I think you would know just what to say
As I feel like I’ve messed up my life
I want to go back and change everything
For I realise I’ve wasted my time

Yet I really don’t want to ask so much
For you must be busy up there
But your daughter tells me you listen
In times of her own despair

So first I want to say thank you
For bringing good things to my life
For giving me an experience
That makes me feel so alive

I never thought it would happen
Because I waited for so long
And though it’s just beginning
The lesson will make me strong

Now I ask for one more thing
To get me on the right track
I’m done with looking everywhere
And getting naught but two steps back

I think this might be right for me
I just wish I knew from the start
That I didn’t let fear get in the way
Of what was in my heart

It just seems mightily impossible
For train tracks can’t be jumped
I must need a little magic
To win a battle that can’t be won

I just ask for a small stepping stone
I promise to work hard for the rest
I want to live my world by passion
Though I may not be the best

I don’t know if you’re getting this
But your daughter told me to try
She said you answered all her pleas
And perhaps you’d answer mine

I think you know some secret
As you’re smiling from way up there
Maybe you’ve been watching all this time
I was just too ignorant to care

Maybe the sum of my experiences
Are leading to something great
This silly fear is stupidity
Like everything’s too late

So if you hear me, grandma
I just need a little light
A little guidance to see the way
To watch these dreams take flight

I wish I got to hear your voice
I wish I could see your smile
Thank you, grandma, with all my heart
Love from your grand-child.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Rollercoasters

Rollercoasters

Memories return like flashing lights
Glimpses of that unforgettable night
Snapshots through my head like fire
Burning photographs of my desire

I thought of forever lying with you
Although my mind knows it’s too soon
The night was a crazy, endless fall
You broke in me what’s my heart’s law

I see your eyes staring down at me
You pulled me in and I fall so deep
Beneath the blank canvas of night-time clouds
We explore each other, ignore all sounds

You’ll never know how I try so hard
To keep a wall around my heart
I’m afraid to let you pull me in
And take me those places I’ve never been

You see, I wanted to keep a foot away
In case, to you, this was all just play
And I know it could all just fall apart
Before the best part even starts

I wish I could control my mind
Lock you away and compartmentalize
It’s not fair you have me thinking of you
Replaying our time is all I can do

I think you really might hurt me now
I want to leap, I’m fallen-bound
But I must not tell you, you mustn’t know
Just how far the fall could go

So these glimpses of memory stay with me
Until the day I can let you in
And you’ll finally know that all you did
Made me fall for you more than a bit

I hope that we will fall together
Perhaps slowly, dancing like a feather
Or plunging like a comet to ground
Yet the stars in the sky is where we’re bound

Take my hand because I’m afraid
You told me you don’t believe in fate
So you may not catch me when I fall
When you have broken down all my walls

Eventually, I’ll know that it’s okay
And it’s true what everybody says
That feeling of total helplessness
Begins with that of mindlessness

You take the risk and dive headfirst
That your decision will be the worst
But the pain of worst comes with the best
And I might love you a little less

To fall or not – can you really choose?
No matter what, it seems I’ll lose
So like those rollercoasters we talked about
I’ll risk the fall and hope to come out.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Crazy Fear

Good grief, has it really been over a year since I last updated this blog? It feels like meeting up with a really old friend and there’s that inevitable awkwardness between you where you’re both like “so…. how have you been?”.

Anyway, the short version of my absence is I was teaching English in Japan for most of 2012. I would have stayed on if the location hadn’t been so detrimental to my sanity. I lived next to a graveyard in the middle of rice paddy fields – I’m not even kidding. That being said, having a steady job, living on my own, paying my own bills and all that “I’m such a grown-up” jazz was immensely satisfying. In the end though, I knew I couldn’t have a life there. Maybe if the job had been in Tokyo or Osaka instead of some obscure small city, things would have turned out differently. But hey, it was a learning experience I don’t regret, despite the hardships.

Now I’m back home, back to square one, trying to get into an industry I don’t have a background in – it’s crazy. Being in your twenties is crazy and scary and difficult. On the one hand, I feel it was right of me to travel and explore different things to really know what I was good at and would enjoy as a career. On the other hand, I now feel I’ve been too “all over the place” to get a job anywhere! It doesn’t look great on a resume, nor does “I was, er, trying to find myself” sound impressive at a job interview.

Well, hopefully I can get into writing poetry again – one of my loves. I wrote this one recently about someone I, well, recently met. I’m such a late bloomer in all aspects of my life, including dating!

Crazy Fear

It’s been so long and don’t know how
My faith in finding love was found
For a while it seemed so clear
But now I’m overcome with crazy fear

My imagination took me on rides
But I could always just retreat and hide
I could control the fantasy
For it was all just make-believe

But what’s real is more than I can bear
And I never thought I’d feel so scared
I dreamed of him so many times
And spoke of him in all my rhymes

I said when I loved, I’d love with my all
And if I should stumble, I’d suffer the fall
But I’d take that chance and take the risk
For I yearned desperately for that first kiss

Now it’s come and I don’t know why
I feel so terribly torn inside
Afraid my flaws will be all he sees
‘Cause I really don’t know what he sees in me

What’s truly inside will push him away
And I don’t want to have to convince him to stay
Afraid he’ll see through my transparency
That he’ll take my heart and make it bleed

Or worse, he’ll judge me before he knows
What lies inside that I have to show
It’ll all be over before it even began
And I’ll never really understand

I’m walking on glass with my bare feet
Afraid of cuts if I step too deep
He thinks it’s skill, not necessity
For the surface right now is all he sees

If only this crazy fear was gone
Counting how many things can go wrong
If only I could let him in
I won’t have to wonder what could have been.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Note to Self

Note to Self

Buried somewhere deep inside
Is the strength she right now cannot find
For now she only feels the tears
As the world has realised all her fears

But buried someplace deep within
Is everything she might have been
And as her dreams, they fall away
She tells herself what others won’t say

She says to her heart she will be fine
That things they happen in their own time
That it’s not because she’s not beautiful
Not smart enough, or not wonderful

She tells herself it’s worth the wait
That it’s never, ever, ever too late
For life has no timeline written in stone
Though right now she may be on her own

She says that broken dreams can mend
That she’s not yet at her journey’s end
It’s okay to cry and grieve the loss
For heartache is a broken dream’s cost

She says to herself she’s not in a race
That she must always go at her own pace
And disregard what others might see
For only she knows who she can be

She says it will be difficult right now
For her friends are finding what she hasn’t found
And it feels as though she will disappear
Like she doesn’t really belong right here

But she tells herself life will be okay
Though she’s stuck in endless yesterdays
She says to keep running through the pain
Through the fire and through the rain

For there’s nothing so very wrong about her
Perhaps she’s just made one too many wrong turns
She’s merely her own person, and that’s just fine
There’s no point trying to override time

So she tells herself this and takes a deep breath
She says to herself it’s not over yet
She’s just trying to find some meaning in life
And sometimes it feels like she’ll never survive

But keep breathing and it’ll all be okay
And as your dreams, they fall away
You’ll build new ones in their place
As the broken pieces get erased

It just takes time, it will take some time
But rest assured, you’ll be just fine
Keep breathing, girl, while you still stand
Keep breathing, keep breathing, while you still can.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Treadmill

Treadmill

I was running on a treadmill yesterday
To let out all I feel
The anger and sadness kept inside
I hoped to somehow heal

And as I ran I thought to myself
How it was that when I ran
A mirror of my life came up
The way I never planned

I thought how life was a treadmill
That no matter how fast the speed
I never got further than where I am
Toward those things I want to be

My feet they keep on running
With raging, roaring might
But I can never reach my destination
No matter how hard I fight

I’m stuck in one place forever
A mouse trapped on a wheel
Thinking I might go somewhere
But imagination’s never real

My life’s a treadmill running
And if I run too fast, I fall
I’m cursed to never move forward
From where I was before

I was running on a treadmill yesterday
Hoping to go somewhere
Instead I drowned in sweat and tears
‘Cause I just ended up back here.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

Ocean of Misery

Ocean of Misery

I’m so tired of waiting
For something to come my way
For this god forsaken universe
To listen to the things I say

Nothing’s ever right here
Nothing’s ever real
All I have are empty words
Surrender to all I feel

The world it keeps on building
The people move so fast
I’m stuck in one place crumbling
‘Cause I always finish last

A drop of hope in an ocean of misery
Does nothing to ease my mind
For as I swim here searching
It’s mostly misery that I find

The waves they pull me under
And no one’s here to pull me out
I want to stop kicking
If the ocean would let me drown

The bottom of the dark sea
Is as quiet as my screams
The water dulls my senses
And I lose all sense of me.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012