Good grief, has it really been over a year since I last updated this blog? It feels like meeting up with a really old friend and there’s that inevitable awkwardness between you where you’re both like “so…. how have you been?”.
Anyway, the short version of my absence is I was teaching English in Japan for most of 2012. I would have stayed on if the location hadn’t been so detrimental to my sanity. I lived next to a graveyard in the middle of rice paddy fields – I’m not even kidding. That being said, having a steady job, living on my own, paying my own bills and all that “I’m such a grown-up” jazz was immensely satisfying. In the end though, I knew I couldn’t have a life there. Maybe if the job had been in Tokyo or Osaka instead of some obscure small city, things would have turned out differently. But hey, it was a learning experience I don’t regret, despite the hardships.
Now I’m back home, back to square one, trying to get into an industry I don’t have a background in – it’s crazy. Being in your twenties is crazy and scary and difficult. On the one hand, I feel it was right of me to travel and explore different things to really know what I was good at and would enjoy as a career. On the other hand, I now feel I’ve been too “all over the place” to get a job anywhere! It doesn’t look great on a resume, nor does “I was, er, trying to find myself” sound impressive at a job interview.
Well, hopefully I can get into writing poetry again – one of my loves. I wrote this one recently about someone I, well, recently met. I’m such a late bloomer in all aspects of my life, including dating!
It’s been so long and don’t know how
My faith in finding love was found
For a while it seemed so clear
But now I’m overcome with crazy fear
My imagination took me on rides
But I could always just retreat and hide
I could control the fantasy
For it was all just make-believe
But what’s real is more than I can bear
And I never thought I’d feel so scared
I dreamed of him so many times
And spoke of him in all my rhymes
I said when I loved, I’d love with my all
And if I should stumble, I’d suffer the fall
But I’d take that chance and take the risk
For I yearned desperately for that first kiss
Now it’s come and I don’t know why
I feel so terribly torn inside
Afraid my flaws will be all he sees
‘Cause I really don’t know what he sees in me
What’s truly inside will push him away
And I don’t want to have to convince him to stay
Afraid he’ll see through my transparency
That he’ll take my heart and make it bleed
Or worse, he’ll judge me before he knows
What lies inside that I have to show
It’ll all be over before it even began
And I’ll never really understand
I’m walking on glass with my bare feet
Afraid of cuts if I step too deep
He thinks it’s skill, not necessity
For the surface right now is all he sees
If only this crazy fear was gone
Counting how many things can go wrong
If only I could let him in
I won’t have to wonder what could have been.
Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013