The First

The First

I can’t bring back what could have been
That recklessness of youth
That yearning to fall so mindlessly
Within feelings misunderstood

I know now that I’ve missed that time
That time that became my own
Exploring so very fervently
These places far from home

I gave myself to the world then
And I let you walk on by
Perhaps it was fear that held me back
Perhaps it was not my time

That white dress innocence is gone now
I know love is not child’s play
Though it’s still a stranger to my heart
I see love in a different way

How can I explain this to you
Innocence against battle scars
Scars of time that went on by
Of feeling trapped by bars

Yet the scars on my heart are zero
I haven’t been tainted there yet
But I know the risks from wisdom gained
In playing this lover’s bet

You become my very first everything
First kiss, first touch, first love
First one I want to make see smile
‘Cause just your smile’s enough

So tell me what you think now
For though you are the first
I know you’ve loved before me
You’ve seen the best and worst

From where we are now standing
I know we should be the same
I should have loved before you
Someone must’ve staked my claim

But I joined the game much later
I am innocence to you
And every time you touch me
The feeling is so brand new

I may not be sixteen again
But what I missed out then
I feel it now with you by my side
Like this love will never end

And I don’t know if it’s better
To love now when I am wise
Or to yearn for total abandon
In my sixteen-year-old mind

So you told me I was different
And now you know just why
I’ve had no heartbreak in my life
No reason for me to cry

It all sounds good on paper
For there’s no need to compete
I won’t be leaving one foot behind
When jumping in with both feet

But know you are the first
The first that may break my heart
And I won’t ever be the same
Should love tear me apart

And if that should ever happen
Just know I’ll be okay again
I’ll even accept the reality
That we may not stay friends

This burden is the price you pay
For being first owner of my heart
You’re the first I want to give it to
Of me, you’ll always be a part

So before the heartbreaks and the tears
Thank you for showing me
For teaching me what it’s all about
For we’re making history

Let’s rule this world together on stars
See every single thing on earth
And at the end, should there ever be one
Just remember: you were the first.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

The Last Chrysalis

It’s been a while yet again. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this blog after I head off overseas next month. I’d like to try to keep it alive, even if the gaps between posts is a little long. For those curious, after a brief ski trip in New Zealand, I’ll be heading off to Thailand to earn a CELTA qualification, which will enable me to teach English in foreign countries (or at home, if I end up back here). This isn’t exactly the life I imagined for myself (because believe me, I NEVER in a million years expected to become a teacher. In fact, I promised myself I wouldn’t), but lo and behold, look where I’ve ended up. So while everyone else I know is taking off in their high-flying corporate careers, settling in a comfortable lifestyle or heading in that general direction, I am once again embarking on a turbulent path that may or may not lead anywhere, which leads me to the topic of today’s poetry: the late bloomer.

I never thought I was a late bloomer, but in every aspect of life, I find I am. And it’s pretty miserable because you don’t feel like a late bloomer; you just feel like a screw-up most of the time. I read this somewhere recently: “On the road to great achievement, the late bloomer will resemble a failure” (from this article written last year: http://www.smh.com.au/executive-style/management/finding-success-later-in-life-20110711-1hady.html – a good read if you have some time). This really struck a chord with me, because I do look like a failure at this point in my life, and I’ve certainly been feeling like one for a while. Everyone who’s followed my blog for a while likely knows I abhor societal expectations, and yet I find I’ve been sucked into it all the same. It’s hard to go the other way when everyone else you know is moving with the current. There is somewhere I should be at this stage of my life, but after accepting I may just be a late bloomer, I think it’s okay that I’m not. I’m still fighting against feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing, but my timeline is just a little different from others and I have to trust I’ll end up where I’m supposed to be sooner or (more likely) later.

The Last Chrysalis

It seems she will never grow her wings
And feel the joy that flying brings
Life seemed okay and then it stopped
Now she can’t see what lies on top

She’s still like winter bleeding snow
She’s lay through seasons others won’t know
And yet it seems she can’t break free
She’s stuck in her own history

Her friends took off so long ago
She stays behind, still going slow
They’re flying places she ought to be
And talk about all that they’ve seen

She knows that soon they’ll disappear
They can’t wait for her, year after year
And she’ll be left alone in the cold
Trapped inside this strangling mould

With wings that struggle to be grown
How can she make it on her own?
All that’s left, all that remains
Is flickering hope that burns through pain

Yet she doesn’t want to hope for change
She’s always been a little strange
For hoping brought her down before
Now she won’t dare wish for more

Perhaps today is forever for her
Eternity is as she were
All she can do is wait for next spring
And maybe this time, she’ll see those wings.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012