Quirky Girl in a Constructed World

I’ve always sort of embraced my weirdness, but as I get older, it gets harder to accept your own quirks. Ironic, I know, since being “different” when you’re young can be a nightmare. But while it’s more of an external battle when you’re younger, I think the struggle becomes more internal as you get older. You fight with yourself more so than the outside world; and the question becomes whether you should change yourself so you can become a part of this society despite compromising your own beliefs, or whether you should just say “screw it” and keep on keepin’ on just the way you are despite if this means you may be alone forever. The world isn’t kind to those who don’t fit the mould, in spite of what some pop songs may say. I think being different and strange is wonderful, but it also sucks, a lot, because you do feel it, a lot, when you’re around other people and in all aspects of life – from career to relationships. Sometimes I just want to cave and spend the rest of my existence acting out my own life (I mean that literally), but other times I want to fight against it because I don’t really believe I should have to act a certain way just to fit into society so I can have the things I’m supposedly meant to have. What’s a girl to do?

Quirky Girl in a Constructed World

I’m still a little stuck here
I’m still waiting for something real
I can’t seem to scratch the surface
And let in what I should feel

I realised some time yesterday
That no matter how I try
I can’t be somebody that I’m not
For all I’ll feel is the lie

I once thought of it a blessing
But time has made it hard
It made a construction of a life
I didn’t want to start

The things that make me just myself
Are but curses I can’t fight
They may be great, but to the world
They’re my own undying plights

And they will make me lonely
And they will drive others away
For they’re outside of the construction
They’re a price that I must pay

I can’t be funny, I can’t be real
I can’t be strange and speak my mind
I can’t decide who I want to be
For I’m racing against all time

Curse the quirks, my mistaken face
The things that come out from my heart!
I may be kind, but the construction sees only
Those things that tear me apart

And people, they seem to fall away
Into the construction of the frame
They look at me and shake their heads
For I’m odd and a little untamed

So I guess I’m totally out of hope
For I’ll always be this girl
Sitting here with my dangling legs
Over the edge of this constructed world.

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

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The Devil’s Mask

These long gaps between entries is horrible, I know. Unfortunately, when I leave in a month or so, the gaps will likely become even longer. I do read any comments left and appreciate them very much. I just haven’t had time to reply. I’m very sorry. I’ve been trying to cope with certain decisions I’ve made in my life, that will likely decide my future, and it’s difficult when you can’t really talk to anyone about how you *really* feel about them. All people want to hear is how great everything is and they get uncomfortable when you express otherwise. So I’m trying to cope with it myself. Perhaps not the wisest thing to do, but I suppose I only have myself to blame for the way everything turned out. Everyone’s life seems to be skyrocketing and I’m just plummeting to the ground (not that I was high up to begin with).

The Devil’s Mask

I sold my soul to the devil today
Knowing full well it came with a price
He burned a hole inside of me
And I stood there, none the wise

He stole the light within my heart
The fuel behind my words
For, alas, I wanted normality
So I watched my poor soul burn

He gave me a mask to wear
So people don’t see my eyes
The tears that cloud my vision
They drown me from the inside

I was always alone, he tells me
So what difference does it make?
My heart incapable of loving
There was nothing ever at stake

So he stripped me of all good things
Of my dreams, my words, my love
And left only behind a darkness
That was meant to be good enough

The mask he gave keeps smiling
So they think I’m happy with my choice
I sold my soul to the devil
And it left me with another’s voice

What I must have done in my past life
To come from something so broken
Everything shatters, everything breaks
From the moment I awoken

The devil must really hate me
To make me hate myself that much more
For giving in to the choice that decided
To wipe everything good from before

So as others continue toward happiness
I’m always left behind
Broken will always be broken
It’s the story of my life

And now I sold my soul away
I don’t have anything left to hold
My life descends to nothingness
Though I’m trying to fit the mould

But the mask it keeps on smiling
So no one will ever know
And the darkness runs through my veins
So slow, so very slow

One day, when I can’t pretend anymore
The mask will be pulled from me
And when that day comes to pass
I wonder, what will they see?

© Lily K. Lynn 2012

My Right to Breathe

My Right to Breathe

They ask me why I choose solitude
Why I always seem so blue
Searching for the meaning in every sunrise
Searching for the wings to fly

Something they don’t understand
Trying to hold the world in their hand
Suppressing fears and tainted souls
Beating hearts with gaping holes

You question my silence and I ask why
You fear death, but everyone dies
So I may live life on a different plane
And you worry ‘cause I’m not the same

But I’m tired of putting on a face
Just to blend in with the human race
I got greater things on my mind
I got greater journeys to find

It’s not that I don’t see my flaws
No need to tell me what you saw
But I know the gifts I need to give
I know the way I want to live

When you’re sure, why do you hide?
When you know what you are inside
I’m fighting for my right to breathe
For everything I am beneath

I’m tired of pretending, don’t you see?
I just want the freedom to be me
So solitude is the price to pay
The stares and gossip from yesterday

I’m always here and they are there
But my mind is always everywhere
I protect my soul to keep my faith
From this world’s constant cruelty and hate

Why am I condemned for being true?
I am me, and you are you
We both got our own places to find
Yours is yours, and mine is mine

So I ended up choosing solitude
Happiness beneath a mask of blue
Yet all you can worry about is me
Instead of all the ugliness you see

If we could all shift focus to growing the world
I’ll no longer be to you “that lonely girl”
So don’t treat me like some lost cause
My dreams and goals were never yours

I like being different, so deal with that
I’ll never be in that same place you’re at
I’m fighting for my right to breathe
So you stay you, and I’ll stay me

I’ll see you on the other end
When I’m no longer something you need to mend
When my solitude touches another soul
With its burning, spreading, fiery glow.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Masks

I often question how well we can truly know a person. They can be your best friend, your partner, even your closest family, but how much of you do they really know? Sometimes I feel like I’m one person when I’m around other people, and another when I’m on my own. I have all these different faces I put on depending on who it is I’m with, and at the end of the day, perhaps no one really knows me. I’ve always thought it was impossible to know everything about someone. People tend to keep a part of themselves hidden for whatever reason. What goes on deep within the mind of others is a complete mystery. I guess that’s what keeps it interesting.

I’ve asked myself what it is that holds me back when I meet someone for the first time. I’m nowhere near the person I really am. It’s like I’m afraid society will judge me or I’m afraid to let too much of myself show because that’s my security blanket, and I’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. I guess this is why I am terrible at forming any kind of relationship. At the end of the day though, I think we all have masks. Parents put on a smile for their children, though their own day has been bad. Children tell their parents everything’s okay, when they’ve been picked on at school. Teenagers say the same thing, when they secretly lock themselves in their room and cry. We put on a face for our employers, that first date, our friends. Am I the only one who finds it ironic that we live in a society that preaches “be yourself”, yet sends out a message for us to be a certain stereotype? I think we are that person we are right before we fall asleep at night, when we have no need to look brave, to look happy, to pretend you have it all together. You can just be you. Then the next morning, you wake up, and it starts all over again. Xx

Masks

I keep my masks in a closet
Hidden behind a closed door
I take one out each morning
So I can feel self-assured

On days I must fake happiness
I take the mask that smiles
I put it on and hide my tears
To fool my friends for a while

On days I need some courage
I take the fierce-looking one
I’d have them believing I am brave
When all I want to do is run

On days I wish for confidence
I take the one that looks like pride
They’d never guess when they look at me
How I am crumbling inside

On days where everything is wrong
And I need them to think I’m okay
I take the one that makes them think
I’m capable of finding a way

Then when the sun falls from the sky
And I’m finally all alone
I take my mask off and put it away
For there’s no need to hide on my own

I look in the mirror at my bare self
And wonder who I see
Some confused, strange person
Is staring right back at me

I didn’t always have my masks
Until I grew older one day
And society insisted to me
I needed them to feel okay

So we walk around pretending
Suppressing what we really feel
Losing sight of who we are
Losing sight of what’s real

I wish I could burn my masks
And show the world what’s inside
But instead I keep them with me
In case I have to hide

Yet we are only human
And sometimes the mask has cracks
In moments of anger and passion
See what you will through the gaps

But always be kind and caring
No matter what lies beneath
And ask yourself, without your own mask
What others would truly see.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Stone Wall

Stone Wall

Sometimes I look in the mirror
And don’t recognise who I see
A stranger in my reflection
Is staring back at me

How did I come to be here?
What are the secrets that I hide?
People are always telling me
There’s sadness in my eyes

Yet I don’t feel tainted
I haven’t been burned or scarred
It’s those strange walls inside of me
That tell me to protect my heart

My parents taught me when I was young
Look both ways before you cross the road
Don’t take candy from strangers
Don’t go around kissing toads

So I guess I must protect myself
In order to not feel hurt
I must bury the person I am inside
Now all that’s left are these words

I wish I wasn’t so afraid
That for once, someone would see
It’s worth it to stick around a bit
So that I can show you me

But the walls I have push people away
All they see are those grey stones
My reflection would have them believing
I would rather be on my own

I give them the tools to break it down
But they just shrug and walk away
My shrinking heart inside the stone wall
Is not worth a price to pay

So the walls keep getting higher
And I cry because I know
That all it would have taken
Was for someone to break one stone.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Introvert

It’s tough for an introvert surviving in a predominantly extrovert-dominated world. I think several people may actually be closet introverts pretending to be extroverted. When I was younger, I pretty much just let myself be shy and quiet to the point people thought there was something wrong with me. Then as I grew, I learned that in this world, you have to be somewhat outgoing to survive. So I learned to fake it. Don’t get me wrong, things can still get incredibly awkward sometimes, but I can pretend well enough to get by. In fact, when I was in Beijing, I was talking to some friends and I admitted I was a shy, introverted person. One of them said “What? You?! No you’re not!” There you go, never underestimate the power of faking it.

The stereotype of an introvert is that quiet geek in the corner who never talks to anyone. The reality is that introverts are the type of people who can be in social situations, but we need to re-charge afterward. I know I get incredibly exhausted after being around people for a while, and I need some time everyday to just be on my own. Sounds sad, yes? But it’s more like re-charging my batteries. Maybe all the pretending drains the energy out of us. My mum is always telling me I need to go out more, meet more people because “being on your own for too long will make you go crazy!” She’s a hardcore extrovert, so despite trying to explain my side of the story, she never really gets it. In a way, I envy her people power. Everyone who meets her immediately loves her. However, I have gradually learned to accept who I am and to love who I am. We introverts may have to work harder to make our way through this world and to attain our goals, but there is always plenty more going on beneath that silent exterior than most people realise. What are you? An introvert or extrovert? Xx

Introvert

Thinking of my destiny
Thinking of my fears
Figuring out who I’ve become
Turned into all these years

Wondering why it’s warmest
When the sun goes down
And comfort lies in loneliness
When there’s no other sound

The stars at night rain glitter
Into my clouded eyes
I’m not afraid to see it big
But I’m still terrified

Is this who I am tonight?
Or who I’ve always been?
Or the one I’m turning into
Is this all that’s left of me?

I need to hear the smiles
But I’m happy when I hide
The strange things cannot hurt me
When I’m hidden here inside

My heart is open when I’m alone
The world is at my feet
I’m a conqueror of the monsters
That try to triumph me

I wish to share this victory
With everyone around
But every time I try to speak
My voice it can’t be found

So I sit here in a crowded room
And think of reasons why
My loneliness consumes me more
When someone’s by my side.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011