The Twenty-Something Soul

The Twenty-Something Soul

It never seems like a mistake
Those moments you decide
You tell yourself it’ll be okay
And pay your sins with time

You pay them so very freely
For life hasn’t “happened yet”
You think you have more years to go
To live out your regrets

The signposts you meet are many
They point in every which way
So you sigh and fall down on your bed
“Just get me through today!”

Facebook makes you doubt yourself
Your friends are all engaged
Or they’re out there “living the dream”
While you’re stuck in this cage

That degree you got means nothing
That’s why you took off and took flight
Struggling to somehow “find yourself”
Through raging, sleepless nights

You saw the world with your own two eyes
And thought you knew it all
Never realising there’s only you now
To catch you if you fall

Heartbreak costs more than you bargained
Because now is when people change
Seven years down the track
He or she won’t be the same

Feeling like you know everything
Yet nothing at the same time
Watching as other people take that dream
The one that was meant to be mine

Change is constant and so is doubt
Those mistakes cost you a life
The life that you were meant to have
Those dreams you knew not you strived

Society punishes you for changing your mind
For trying to find who you are
You’ve caved when the highlight of your week
Is Friday night drinks at the bar

You just want to be “together”
You want the body, the soulmate, the dream
That apartment that’s yours and a job you love
A life that fits perfectly

Yet nothing happened how you planned
You keep digging a deeper hole
Pretty soon you’ll be close to thirty
With absolutely nothing to show

Bombarded with messages from the wiser
Disheartened by the young
Trying to find some footing in life
While trying to just have some fun

So kick down that darned signpost
Disable my Facebook page
Look ahead with peace of mind – ‘cause you know what?
I did my best today.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

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Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma

To my dearest grandma
This letter comes from my heart
I reminisce on memories
Of which I was never a part

Your daughter told me to talk to you
And it’d be wise to heed her advice
For those times I failed to listen to her
I always paid the price

 Sometimes she says I remind her of you
Though we never got to meet
She says you were beautiful and wonderful
Always thinking on your feet

I think you would know just what to say
As I feel like I’ve messed up my life
I want to go back and change everything
For I realise I’ve wasted my time

Yet I really don’t want to ask so much
For you must be busy up there
But your daughter tells me you listen
In times of her own despair

So first I want to say thank you
For bringing good things to my life
For giving me an experience
That makes me feel so alive

I never thought it would happen
Because I waited for so long
And though it’s just beginning
The lesson will make me strong

Now I ask for one more thing
To get me on the right track
I’m done with looking everywhere
And getting naught but two steps back

I think this might be right for me
I just wish I knew from the start
That I didn’t let fear get in the way
Of what was in my heart

It just seems mightily impossible
For train tracks can’t be jumped
I must need a little magic
To win a battle that can’t be won

I just ask for a small stepping stone
I promise to work hard for the rest
I want to live my world by passion
Though I may not be the best

I don’t know if you’re getting this
But your daughter told me to try
She said you answered all her pleas
And perhaps you’d answer mine

I think you know some secret
As you’re smiling from way up there
Maybe you’ve been watching all this time
I was just too ignorant to care

Maybe the sum of my experiences
Are leading to something great
This silly fear is stupidity
Like everything’s too late

So if you hear me, grandma
I just need a little light
A little guidance to see the way
To watch these dreams take flight

I wish I got to hear your voice
I wish I could see your smile
Thank you, grandma, with all my heart
Love from your grand-child.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Rollercoasters

Rollercoasters

Memories return like flashing lights
Glimpses of that unforgettable night
Snapshots through my head like fire
Burning photographs of my desire

I thought of forever lying with you
Although my mind knows it’s too soon
The night was a crazy, endless fall
You broke in me what’s my heart’s law

I see your eyes staring down at me
You pulled me in and I fall so deep
Beneath the blank canvas of night-time clouds
We explore each other, ignore all sounds

You’ll never know how I try so hard
To keep a wall around my heart
I’m afraid to let you pull me in
And take me those places I’ve never been

You see, I wanted to keep a foot away
In case, to you, this was all just play
And I know it could all just fall apart
Before the best part even starts

I wish I could control my mind
Lock you away and compartmentalize
It’s not fair you have me thinking of you
Replaying our time is all I can do

I think you really might hurt me now
I want to leap, I’m fallen-bound
But I must not tell you, you mustn’t know
Just how far the fall could go

So these glimpses of memory stay with me
Until the day I can let you in
And you’ll finally know that all you did
Made me fall for you more than a bit

I hope that we will fall together
Perhaps slowly, dancing like a feather
Or plunging like a comet to ground
Yet the stars in the sky is where we’re bound

Take my hand because I’m afraid
You told me you don’t believe in fate
So you may not catch me when I fall
When you have broken down all my walls

Eventually, I’ll know that it’s okay
And it’s true what everybody says
That feeling of total helplessness
Begins with that of mindlessness

You take the risk and dive headfirst
That your decision will be the worst
But the pain of worst comes with the best
And I might love you a little less

To fall or not – can you really choose?
No matter what, it seems I’ll lose
So like those rollercoasters we talked about
I’ll risk the fall and hope to come out.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

Crazy Fear

Good grief, has it really been over a year since I last updated this blog? It feels like meeting up with a really old friend and there’s that inevitable awkwardness between you where you’re both like “so…. how have you been?”.

Anyway, the short version of my absence is I was teaching English in Japan for most of 2012. I would have stayed on if the location hadn’t been so detrimental to my sanity. I lived next to a graveyard in the middle of rice paddy fields – I’m not even kidding. That being said, having a steady job, living on my own, paying my own bills and all that “I’m such a grown-up” jazz was immensely satisfying. In the end though, I knew I couldn’t have a life there. Maybe if the job had been in Tokyo or Osaka instead of some obscure small city, things would have turned out differently. But hey, it was a learning experience I don’t regret, despite the hardships.

Now I’m back home, back to square one, trying to get into an industry I don’t have a background in – it’s crazy. Being in your twenties is crazy and scary and difficult. On the one hand, I feel it was right of me to travel and explore different things to really know what I was good at and would enjoy as a career. On the other hand, I now feel I’ve been too “all over the place” to get a job anywhere! It doesn’t look great on a resume, nor does “I was, er, trying to find myself” sound impressive at a job interview.

Well, hopefully I can get into writing poetry again – one of my loves. I wrote this one recently about someone I, well, recently met. I’m such a late bloomer in all aspects of my life, including dating!

Crazy Fear

It’s been so long and don’t know how
My faith in finding love was found
For a while it seemed so clear
But now I’m overcome with crazy fear

My imagination took me on rides
But I could always just retreat and hide
I could control the fantasy
For it was all just make-believe

But what’s real is more than I can bear
And I never thought I’d feel so scared
I dreamed of him so many times
And spoke of him in all my rhymes

I said when I loved, I’d love with my all
And if I should stumble, I’d suffer the fall
But I’d take that chance and take the risk
For I yearned desperately for that first kiss

Now it’s come and I don’t know why
I feel so terribly torn inside
Afraid my flaws will be all he sees
‘Cause I really don’t know what he sees in me

What’s truly inside will push him away
And I don’t want to have to convince him to stay
Afraid he’ll see through my transparency
That he’ll take my heart and make it bleed

Or worse, he’ll judge me before he knows
What lies inside that I have to show
It’ll all be over before it even began
And I’ll never really understand

I’m walking on glass with my bare feet
Afraid of cuts if I step too deep
He thinks it’s skill, not necessity
For the surface right now is all he sees

If only this crazy fear was gone
Counting how many things can go wrong
If only I could let him in
I won’t have to wonder what could have been.

Copyright Lily K. Lynn 2013

My Right to Breathe

My Right to Breathe

They ask me why I choose solitude
Why I always seem so blue
Searching for the meaning in every sunrise
Searching for the wings to fly

Something they don’t understand
Trying to hold the world in their hand
Suppressing fears and tainted souls
Beating hearts with gaping holes

You question my silence and I ask why
You fear death, but everyone dies
So I may live life on a different plane
And you worry ‘cause I’m not the same

But I’m tired of putting on a face
Just to blend in with the human race
I got greater things on my mind
I got greater journeys to find

It’s not that I don’t see my flaws
No need to tell me what you saw
But I know the gifts I need to give
I know the way I want to live

When you’re sure, why do you hide?
When you know what you are inside
I’m fighting for my right to breathe
For everything I am beneath

I’m tired of pretending, don’t you see?
I just want the freedom to be me
So solitude is the price to pay
The stares and gossip from yesterday

I’m always here and they are there
But my mind is always everywhere
I protect my soul to keep my faith
From this world’s constant cruelty and hate

Why am I condemned for being true?
I am me, and you are you
We both got our own places to find
Yours is yours, and mine is mine

So I ended up choosing solitude
Happiness beneath a mask of blue
Yet all you can worry about is me
Instead of all the ugliness you see

If we could all shift focus to growing the world
I’ll no longer be to you “that lonely girl”
So don’t treat me like some lost cause
My dreams and goals were never yours

I like being different, so deal with that
I’ll never be in that same place you’re at
I’m fighting for my right to breathe
So you stay you, and I’ll stay me

I’ll see you on the other end
When I’m no longer something you need to mend
When my solitude touches another soul
With its burning, spreading, fiery glow.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Freak Out

So, I’ve finished my book. Let the freaking out begin as I try to get my proverbial foot in the door. Word spew poetry alert below.

Freak Out

So it begins, the start of it all
And I wonder how many times I will fall
I’m freaking out, I’m terrified
From everything I feel inside

Can’t stop it now, I’ve come too far
To get to where it is you are
Can only stand my ground and fight
Until I reach those whole new heights

I saw the struggle in every star
Those nights I watched them from afar
I knew I’d make it there one day
And feel that struggle along the way

You’ll want to give up sometime soon
‘Cause no one will believe in you
They’ll beat you down, they’ll make you cry
They’ll make you suffer and want to die

They’ll tell you you’re not good enough
So pack your bags, cut loose and run
You may believe the words they say
But no matter what, just find a way

This is it, darling, the start of it all
And yes, don’t doubt you will certainly fall
Not once, not twice, but a hundred times
But in the end, I promise you’ll be fine

 Don’t fear the failure that will test your strength
The obstacles that will lie ahead
It’s just one part toward your dream
To everything you are going to be

So freak out now, freak it all out
Until you’re left with little doubt
You can’t stop now, you’ve made up your mind
So get up, honey, it’s time to shine.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

The Writer

I’ve always felt a little like the odd one out wherever I go. My social awkwardness can be credited in part, but as I grow up, more and more I realise that my choices tend to be outside of the norm. When I tell people I’m a writer, the first thing they say is: “Cool. So which company are you applying for? I know this really good one…” I always have to correct them and explain I’m giving myself this block of time to write and complete a novel I’m going to send out to publishers. For some reason, choosing a creative field to pursue is something a lot of people can’t relate to. They look at you like you’re committing career suicide. Maybe I am, but since I’ve found my dream and my ultimate purpose in life, I’m not about to just abandon it for a desk job.

My parents think I’m nuts. My mum is always telling me to go out more, meet more people, “get a job, so you won’t be such a hermit!” She doesn’t understand that being alone is part of a writer’s job description. We need that time away from the world to get lost in our own worlds so we can write. I sincerely believe she doesn’t take me seriously, although she claims she does. No one really takes me seriously. They all treat this like an artistic phase I’m going through that will soon pass, and that I’ll eventually cave and get a 9-5 job like everyone else. Only I seem to know that that will never happen. Want to know my greatest nightmare? That. Caving. Why would I trade my dream for my nightmare?

Maybe I do have my head in the clouds sometimes. Maybe I dream too big and it should scare me more. Maybe my hopes for success are mere delusions of grandeur. I don’t care because this is who I am. It took me long enough to get here, I’m not about to just turn my back on it because people think I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I know there will be obstacles and many failures to come, but I have full intention of picking myself up again. I’m just going to keep on going, every which way, until I get what I want. I sincerely believe life is that simple if you’re just willing to invest in your dreams. Don’t be afraid of them and don’t let people put you down. The latter is especially difficult at times, such as now. I’ve felt so put down lately. I have to keep reminding myself who I’m doing this for – me or them? This doesn’t just apply to writing either. Sometimes, I feel like people try to tell you what to do in every aspect of your life, as if they are masters at life or something. I just think everyone is different, everyone is constantly learning, so you should just focus on your own life and stop telling others how to live theirs.

Anyway, this is another “word spew” poem (as if all the word spew ^ up there isn’t enough of an indication! Apologies for the rant!). Thank you for reading, as always. Xx

 

The Writer

I can’t possibly be a normal human being
When my greatest satisfaction
Is being left alone to think, to ponder
To wonder and to delight

I see it in their eyes everyday
I hear it in their subtle words
“She must surely be going crazy
Being alone for so long”

Explaining myself is but wasted time
How could they possibly understand
The things that go on
In a writer’s endless mind?

Between my two ears is a different world
A world where magic exists
Prince Charming isn’t a lie
And I construct perfect imperfections

My dreams tell me I can fly
So when I wake each day
I make it so, in my mind
And with my words

I find words are the closest I can get
To touching another’s soul
To move, to heal, to inspire
These are my greatest goals

“Don’t you need to go out and see?”
It’s what they all ask me
They can’t understand that my inspiration
Comes from within

It comes from a white butterfly I see
An imprint on the footpath
A sudden sensation with the breeze
It comes from complete silence, nothing

I am able to feel and to express
Things I have never felt myself
But things others will feel
When they read my words

So then, is it a blessing or a curse?
To script emotion onto paper
To live in my own mind
Rather than outside of it

I think I might miss out on the world
Because I’m too preoccupied with my own
But I don’t care
My world’s better than what’s become of reality

So they tell me I’m a little crazy
I’m a little strange in my ways
They think I might go insane
Behind this locked door

Thus is the curse of a writer
One must pay the price of insanity
To be born with the ability
Of creating great things out of nothing.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

First Love

First Love

How would I have ever known?
The existence of a universe
So different to all that I’ve learnt
Is somehow found in you

Every breath I take has purpose
Because I breathe for you
Every beat of my heart
Is a call to your name

 They don’t warn how you can fall
So fearlessly, so boldly
Have I ever felt so powerless?
Have I ever felt so invincible?

I wonder when I’ll fly for you
Because you give me angel wings
Your presence takes me high
And my place becomes that of stars

Will you look into my eyes?
Will you whisper my name?
Tell me everything you want to be
And I’ll be it with you

I’ve often wondered
Why love songs are written
And now we dance together
To lyrics of our own

Do you know you’re beautiful?
How I tremble for you so?
Terrified of losing you
Of one day letting go

You kiss my shy lips
And I’m not sure what to say
What is it called – this feeling
When I feel this way?

I’m completely hopeless
When it comes to love
So I hold onto your hand
And dive headfirst

And when that day ever comes
That we might say goodbye
Thank you for showing me
The wonders of a first love

I might be angry and I might cry
But know that I loved you
And I’ll hold onto the love you showed me
So that I might do it better next time.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

At the End

I’ve always thought that life was too short to be stuck doing something we hate. Heck, it’s too short to be stuck doing something we only sort-of hate. Somehow, it’s never made sense to me how the “pattern of life”  is supposed to go. Our parents always tells us when we’re kids that we can be anything we want. Then we get older and holding onto those “childish dreams” isn’t noble, but stupid. We’re expected to conform and get a “real job” – whatever that is. I understand that for financial reasons, many people don’t have a choice, and this is often used as an excuse to justify abandoning your true passions. But there are so many stories out there about successful people who started with nothing and somehow became the people they did. I think people abandon their dreams because they’re afraid, and this is normal. It’s scary not to have that security and to have your future so uncertain. I think about this sometimes, but then I always end up asking myself: “at the end of my life, what will I have left behind?” If we only get one shot at life, I think we should make it the exact kind of life we want. Not just something mediocre, but something pretty damn extraordinary. This will be different for everyone and I ain’t judging if your true passion in life is accounting or whatnot, as long as it makes you happy. As long as it’s your legacy.

So many people say, “discover who you want to be, then go be it”. The hard part is the first half of this sentence – discovering who you want to be. I think it’s why many people just cave and fall into some bland job they can tolerate, because let’s face it, “finding yourself” is a pretty tedious and frustrating task. I think it’s worth it to put in those years though. They will never be wasted if you figure yourself out at the end of it. Try different things, see what you like and don’t like, and when you’ve found the thing that just clicks with you, you’ll know it. Everyone has something. I believe this. The ones who say they don’t just haven’t bothered to find out because often it’s well-hidden. Writing is my passion. I’ve been writing since I was a little girl. When I was eight, I started a novel, convincing myself I’d become the youngest author to get published. I never got past the first chapter, of course. The point is, this passion for writing didn’t become clear to me until this year! I kept trying other things, not realising it was in front of my face the whole time. I know I’m not going to regret pursuing this though, as hard as it will likely be, because at the end of my life, I know I’ll be able to look back with a smile and say to myself proudly: yes, this is who I was, this is what I did, and this is the legacy I left behind. Xx

At the End

They ask me how I’ll change this place
‘Cause life’s too short for us to waste
What is it you want to do?
At the end, what’s left of you?

I’m not a scientist or policeman
Nor a teacher or musical band
Not an engineer or psychologist
A doctor or radiologist

So I ask myself what’s important to me
What are those things that I wish to be?
I read a book and it makes me cry
Some deep, raw feeling deep inside

I see characters played out on screen
I fall in love with what they mean
I’m captivated by the creative spell
And all the stories that we must tell

For they’re a moment of escape
From the world we sometimes hate
They inspire and they make us think
Sometimes they’re that missing link

Make-believe can feel so real
They make us grow, they make us feel
Gives us faith we sometimes lack
What we lost can be given back

Inspiring hope in every soul
Those most timid can feel so bold
The kid with glasses in the back
Becomes our very own Superman

The girl who doesn’t like her smile
Can be beautiful for just a while
That boy they think won’t ever rise
Well, he’s a wizard in disguise

All my life this is what I’ve found
That stories make the world go round
So you ask me how to change the world
And I say ‘hey, I’m just one girl’

I won’t save lives or go to the moon
Chances are I won’t be you
Everyone’s different – we’re made that way
And life often feels like a theatre play

It may be tragedy or comedy
Some dramatic love story
So tell me what’s important to you
All the things you want to do

You can’t change the world until you’ve found
What makes your own world spin round, so
What is it you want to do?
At the end, what’s left of you?

© Lily K. Lynn 2011

Mirror, Mirror

I think something a lot of us girls struggle with is giving all of ourselves to something or someone, and still not feeling that it’s enough. Sometimes as hard as we try, it just doesn’t seem sufficient. We can be Superwoman and Queen of the World, but our efforts go unappreciated and overlooked. This leads to us questioning what could possibly be wrong with us? What am I not doing enough of? Where do those hidden flaws lie inside of me that I can’t see but the rest of the world can? For the average, confident, life-loving girl, the reflection in the mirror always begins bright, shiny and perfect. But sometimes life throws us curveballs, and that’s when the reflection changes and you begin to wonder if what you see is really true. Am I so perfect? Am I trying enough? Am I as confident as all that? In the mornings, I wake up, and I wonder who I’ll see in the mirror today. Will my reflection crumble or shine? I guess with each crumble, each shine, we grow and learn more about ourselves. If there’s anything at all I’ve learnt in the short time I’ve been on earth, it’s that life will still go on. No matter how much you crumble, how much you shine, there will still be a tomorrow – and who knows what unexpected delights tomorrow may bring. Xx

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who am I today?
I know I asked you the day before
Yet nothing new you say

I wonder if he sees the world
When he looks at me
Someone who could shape his life
Into a destiny

I’m always there to listen
To care and understand
When he’s fallen to pieces
I’m there to hold his hand

I know what makes him laugh
I know what makes him cry
I know whether he wants to talk
Or just count stars in the sky

I understand the flaws he has
The way that he must live
But I see them and without a word
I know I can forgive

I would listen anything
He has to say to me
The darkest secrets kept inside
I’d hold with me and keep

I’d make him a better person
Even smile when I’m feeling down
Instilling hope in sadness
Mending all his frowns

I’d kiss him when he’s lonely
I’d know just what to say
I’d be there for him forever
In every possible way

So mirror, mirror, on the wall
I ask you something new
Why does he not see me
No matter what I do?

I’m the girl he dreams about
I’m the one for him
Everything I have to give
But nothing I get it seems

So I stand here crying now
For everyday I say
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
I’m perfect in every way.

© Lily K. Lynn 2011